Leaving Peru was difficult in a different way than I ever expected; instead of many tears and a heavy heart, I walked away with a spring in my step as I left the dusty compound we lived at behind me and waved goodbye to the kids I had taught all month. It was difficult for that goodbye to not be difficult because I felt like I had wasted an enire month of the race.
A prayer of mine in beginning the world race was to have at least one difficult goodbye each month because that would mean that I would make deep relationships and really have made a difference there in a short time. While that prayer was most certainly answered the first month in Ecuador, God had a very different plan for my month in Peru!
Our month in Peru was all squad month which means that every single team and the squad leaders were living in the same place which provided awesome opportunities for teachings, worship nights, and a chance to spend time with a variety of people on my squad that I may never get the chance to know as well again. It also means practically living on top of eachother; we had two rooms stacked high with bunk beds for some of the ladies and then had tent cities for the rest of the squad on the rooftops of 3 of the buildings. I was in a concrete room with 19 other women and it was always hot, always messy, and almost always loud and filled with people. For my introverted, peace and quiet loving, hermiting self that was really tough! So naturally I looked around for a little spot that I could hide away to catch that precious alone time to recharge and be ready to tackle ministry. Nope. Nada. No spot was available that could be claimed as my own. Cue panic!
The world race is all about giving up your usual comforts, culture, schedule, and just way of functing in general, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to give up those things. I was overwhelmed from our first month in Ecuador not only starting the race and all those adjustments and challenges, but also because I was in Quito with a giant hostel full of racers- it already felt like all-squad month and to be staring another right after in the face was pretty overwhelming. But I sucked it up, kept going, and worked hard to try and have a good attitude. The thing is, the month only got harder for me.
For our ministry we were working with kids to teach English or doing manual labor around the compound. To be entirely honest, kids are not my favorite to work with and I feel exhausted after spending time with them. I love older students because you can have deep conversations with them, but kids are such a challenge for me to truly enjoy spending large amounts of time with. Being silly and dancing around singing songs is also not my forte and it didn’t feel like I was doing anything for the Kingdom of God by teaching them how to say “hello” and recite their numbers. As I got farther and farther out of my comfort zone, I started to find more and more things that I disliked. I began to hate the hot, dusty desert we lived in and the trash heaps everywhere that stank so bad some nights it woke me up. I got sick of not being able to speak or understand the language and felt completely useless. There was something I was allergic to in the buildings that made my eyes run and my throat hurt. I was annoyed every time I had to sit on the dusty concrete ground to eat a meal instead of at a table and hated the dogs that stuck their faces in my food. I was trying to adjust to the changes of now being a team leader and the constant noise of living with so many other people in a small, concrete walled place was becoming unbearable.
All these small things built up and I felt so guilty.
I had raised money to come here and to be a blessing to others and here only in to the 2nd month of this year long journey I was breaking and ready to be done with it all. I was reaching my limit and ready to be anywhere but there. I knew that there were going to be times like this, but I never expected it to be so early in the race! It began to show me just how weak I was that already God was not enough for me and I so desired all these comforts instead of Him.
And then I got more sick than I ever have been in my entire life.
One morning I was handwashing my laundry quick before ministry and suddenly I got a bit dizzy. Let’s just say it went downhill from there- I was taken to the ER later that afternoon and then admitted to the hospital for 3 days on IV fluids and medication the entire time. In that moment where I was at my weakest, God revealed to me how strong He was in me. That even though my flesh had completely betrayed me, He would stay beside me and fill me with joy and strength that was beyond all reason. I was exhausted, delerious from fever, and constantly getting violently ill, but had sweeter times with the Lord in those 3 days than I had had the entire race so far.
And then I went back to the compound. It was so hard; I was so weak, still running a high fever, and still not able to eat anything and it was raging hot. Somehow though, God’s lesson stuck in my heart and I relied on His strength and slowly began to change my attitude. As I did, I was able to see things with new eyes and find beauty and joy in such tiny places. I began to listen to the Lord and what He was doing in my squadmate’s lives and was able to have amazing, life-giving conversations with them. I got to attend a youth event that was held at our compound and became good friends with two 15 year old Peruvian boys and had awesome conversations with even with the tiny bit of Spanish I can understand and use. I instead stepped up to decorate the classrooms and got to do crafts which I enjoy instead of trying to force myself to be good at something else. I began to enjoy the tiny things about the area we were living like the perfect fruit popsicles that our host mom made homemade or the lady around the corner who owned a tiny stored but had the most delicious baked goods every single day.
My favorite part of the entire month by far was the resident kitty who would sit on my lap for hours and purr. Whenever I was feeling weak, ill, overwhelmed, or just spending time with the Lord, this little black kitty would climb up into my lap and snuggle me. It seems like the most ridiculous way for the Lord to comfort me through these times, but I have always had a cat at home and love them so much. In such a small, sweet way He reminded me that when I give up my comforts and my wants, that He will always have my back and that I can trust Him to provide for me: usually in the unexpected, small moments.
So there it is; the kitty was my hardest goodbye. I’m not perfect just because I am a missionary and even the adaptable part of my personality gets overwhelmed sometimes. I am human and I fail a lot of times and sometimes I don’t even want to love people when that’s supposed to be my entire job as a Christian and missionary. The good thing is that the Lord knows all of these things, but still chooses to call me and use me through it all.
