So here I am in the ‘big crossroads’ of my life- perhaps not the crossroad, but a big one nevertheless.
I graduated college a mere few weeks before launching onto the race. Most of me is still celebrating- all the hard work, the beautiful experiences, finding out who I am and, mostly importantly, turning my life over to God my freshman year. Those years after were all about learning what it is to walk with Him and who He created me to be and was intense, beautiful, and held so much variety. There’s another part of me though that feels burdened and a little panicky as I realize I graduated.
I’m in that awkward transition stage where I just don’t fit in anywhere. For the first time in my life I’m not a student, but like so many others in the same place I’m finding its really hard to get a job right out of college. That classic paradox of needing experience to get a job, but then needing a job to get that experience- it’s stupid that that’s a thing. I’m sort of independent and teetering on adulthood, but also just not at all. I’m not married, I don’t have a career, I have no idea what my living situation will be in a few months, and I don’t even have a focused picture of where exactly I’m going. My friends are dispersed all over the United States and even the world and are at various stages in their lives too; everything seems chaotic and doesn’t really make a whole.
And then on top of that you add on just coming back from nearly a year on the world race. It’s suddenly not just a crossroads anymore, but an 8-way intersection blindfolded! With earplugs. And people throwing things at you.
How do I take this year of lessons and experiences and use them to start my career?
There’s a very real phenomenon labeled “reverse culture shock” where coming into your home culture ends up being fairly tricky. It sort of catches you off guard because, well, it’s home and always has been. Suddenly even being where English is spoken in public places is completely overwhelming because for the first time in a long time you can understand every conversation you hear around you. People are too loud, there’s too many choices in the the grocery store, you feel crippling guilt when you turn on the tap, and the pace of life is much too fast and stressful. Dealing with these normal reactions to coming off of being a backpacking missionary in 3rd world countries and then trying to imagine going through the application and interview process of my new life is not attractive.
Like pretty much everyone, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I am able to give grace freely and celebrate the tiniest of accomplishments for others, but am not good at doing that in my own life. I have these ridiculous expectations of where I should be at, what I should be doing, how I should react to things, and when those expectations aren’t met, I can tell myself some not so pretty things. I am in the slow process of learning how to be content, how to submit myself to God’s expectations and not my own, and how to give myself grace when I inevitably mess up. But let me tell you, it’s not an easy road!
The world race has certainly changed so many pieces of me, but I am also still the same Emily. I still love making art and am passionate about sharing the Gospel, and enjoy time alone hiking by the river and am freaked out by wasps. When I am with family and friends who have known me for many years and seasons in my life, it is like nothing ever happened or changed. Then I casually state something that happened on the race and I don’t know how to explain anything in a way that they will understand. It’s the lack of understanding that comes from a shared experience that I have gotten so used to in the world race community that sets me a little off balance. There’s this weird tension where the race doesn’t define my life, but I also don’t want to just ignore everything that the year held. I know that there is a balance, but I never thought it would be so hard to find it.
I don’t have it all figured out. I still fall victim to the crippling circle of self doubt more often than I’d like to admit, but I do have some wisdom I’ve learned attached to one word: trust.
Not in yourself- your goals, your dreams, your degree, your hard work- all good things, but also all fallible because each of those things are borne of human effort and tainted by sin. You don’t need better things, more money or to gain stability with a job you don’t love. You can’t trust in someone else, even the one you love most because they too are only human. You don’t need to be noticed more, to be known, to be affirmed in what you do to let you know you are on the right path.
Just trust in God.
It’s simple and you’ve heard it before, but if you’re anything like me, you need to hear it again. I’m sure that this exact same advice coming from a well-meaning friend has stoked your frustration as you face a difficulty because it’s too obvious. It’s like when someone tells you to stop worrying- don’t they know that you are trying to? It doesn’t feel that simple.
I promise you that God has a beautiful plan for your life that He is desperately calling you to partake in. And since my promises are pretty useless in the grand scheme of things, the Bible and God Himself promises the same! Whatever problem you are facing, decision you have to make, changes that are around the corner, or in seasons of uncertainty and dryness, just know that God is still pumped for your future even if you’re not. You are here and you were created for these moments- all of these moments, not just the ones that look awesome- and that in itself is significant. Let go of the control you are desperately grasping for and see where He is trying to steer you. It might not be something you want now, but you’re going to be so glad when you get on the other side that you just let go and won’t look back.
So no, I still have no idea what I am doing with my life and I can’t answer the millions of well meaning questions on the subject. But right now I am actually really excited for that! I am a canvas that has been sheared away from the roll, stretched in every direction to created a smooth, workable surface, and am all prepped for the Painter to begin. How many times in my life will I be able to do anything, live anywhere, and truly be myself with very few responsibilities or obligations? I know how excited the Artist is to start painting and the joy He is feeling is so contagious!
Don’t worry about me. If you are, it’s likely because you love me and have watched me enthusiastically leap from the wrong ledge and get into all sorts of trouble before and I appreciate that concern. Know that my “we’ll see” and “not sure”‘s aren’t just to annoy you and also don’t mean that I’m fleeing all responsibility. Also, don’t worry about you either. No matter what you are facing right now, heaven is already rejoicing because the true battle has already been won. God is never surprised even though we often are and He doesn’t give up or tire- that’s enough reason to release it all and be free!
Don’t let worry cripple you and comparison steal your joy in life- put your trust in the master painter as He paints things so beautifully outside of your imaginings. Most of all, BE FREE.
