Lately, I have really been doubting my call to the World Race. And you know what? I’ve realized it’s all for an extremely dumb reason. It’s one of those things that you carry around in your mind for a long time and worry about and then as soon as you actually let it out and take it for face value, you realize how silly it is and how much time and energy you’ve wasted.
As I’ve met many of my wonderful squadmates through social media, it has been so encouraging to hear people’s stories and words of wisdom throughout this process. The bad thing is that I often find myself comparing myself to others over social media– Facebook in particular. I browse the newsfeed and look at how cool and interesting everyone’s lives are and start to feel a little down about where I’m at. This is especially true when I am going through those awkward transitions in life where a lot of changes are happening as then I’m also a bit more insecure and unsure. This struggle has manifested itself over the past month in my thoughts about the Race.
Suddenly, I started to realize all the things about me that were different; and in my mind a bad different. For example, I don’t like heights. Here my squad members were all excited that they may have the opportunity to do something like bungee jump and I am definitely not going to be participating. This is a silly thing to be concerned about and I am quite sure that my teammates would love me even if I decided not to jump off a bridge, but the negativity just kept growing. I kept coming up with more and more barriers as to why I just wasn’t the right person to do this. I’m scared of most bugs and scream like a little girl if they touch me. True fact: I can’t look at a cockroach without gagging. I don’t want to eat weird things like tarantulas just to tell a story. I like to be alone and enjoy doing things my own way and in my own time. I can’t play sports. Any sports. At all. These thoughts and so many more helped me convince myself that I was not the right girl for the race. Let a true adventurer take my place! Someone who has climbed all the mountains and loves the idea of consuming things like eyeballs and crickets or something, because I’m just not cut out for this stuff.
That’s when God gave me a kick in the rear and told me to get a serious reality check.
Who cares if that’s not who I am? God has given me a specific and clear calling to this mission trip in particular and by doubting this call I’m doubting Him. His sovereignty, his ability to create how He sees fit, His plan, His wisdom, His very character! He definitely was aware of my personality and all of it’s quirks when He decided that this would be the best way to use me for His kingdom, and I have to trust that He knows what He’s doing.
Sure, I love hair bows and smelly lotions a lot more than insects and hand-eye coordination, but that’s not my identity. It’s not in my job, being a student, in my family, or where I live. Nor is what I have done, how I feel about myself, or in how others view me. My identity is solely and fully in Christ as His child (John 1:12). What truly matters is how He views me and what His word says about me. Here’s a page of a list I wrote out in my journal:
So after all that I was able to let it all go and get my mind and heart back on track a bit. Yes, a lot of these areas I will be challenged in and it’s going to be hard at times, really hard. But isn’t that what growth is all about? How can I grow if I’m never transplanted and placed in some foreign (ha ha punny!) soil? And of course all my squadmates and I are going to be different! We certainly aren’t going to function together as a body if we are all exactly alike. As the bible states, “If they were all one part, where would the body be? (1 Corinthians 12:19).” I look forward to figuring out what part I will serve and to watch our team come together.
As I am transitioning back to living at home for the first summer since I started college, that too has been difficult. I wasn’t a Christian at home, and being back in that very same environment has made it increasingly easy to doubt that I have really changed at all. I keep finding myself tempted to go back to my old habits and ways of thinking because it would be so much easier to do. And I know I’m not alone in this either- I think that everyone struggles with identity to some extent. But no matter my feelings, my environment, or anything else, I am His and that holds the significance of eternity.
