I’m not usually the crying girl, I’m usually the comforting-rubbing-the-crying-girl’s-back girl, but that all changed at the end of this month.
Our month one of the race was a dream for me- I loved the city we were in, the people I was with, and the ministry I was doing, and God changed my life in a few fairly significant ways. It was a month of being loved on, doing what I enjoy, and being filled and I opened up my heart to Ecuador and its people.
That’s how you make goodbyes really awful- love and be loved, be present in every moment, and pray like crazy for God to show you how to love these people the way He does.
God definitely answered that prayer and when it came time to say goodbye to our ministry hosts and other family/church members; I was a sniffling mess. My team and I sat through our last church service with the heaviness that comes from knowing that you may never be seeing these people experiencing these things ever again. When they called us up front and had the entire congregation pray for us, I refused to look anyone in the eye because I knew that I would lose it.
There’s that repeated feeling of all the emotion welling up inside of you, threatening to erupt, but I choked it successfully back and swallowed it every time.
Then we got outside and had to say our last goodbyes quickly so we could catch the van to ministry in another part of Quito. Tears came and rushed hugs were given and when we came to the last ones- our ministry hosts for the month- we all stood there in silence for a bit not wanting to make it real and stared at the ground. Eventually we said our teary goodbyes and piled into the van to leave; the 30ish minutes to ministry should have been enough time to get ourselves together to not terrify the poor kids we were going to be working with.
Unless you are the crying girl.
As I sat there, I prayed to God and thanked Him that this goodbye was hard. I struggle with feeling things because I have always thought that I needed to be strong, that feelings were a sign of weakness, and that I needed to protect myself. I see the lies in this way of thinking, but these lies have been so deeply rooted into my life that it has been slow work to find and remove the roots. I’ve never really known where the problem lies and why I can’t seem to show emotion even when I feel it. This time though I dug into the feeling of loss and let myself fully feel and grieve.
God used this moment of vulnerability to change my life.
As I sat there in this van sandwiched in the back between a teammate and a stranger, I started to sob and kept on sobbing for the entire ride. As I was praying God took me back to difficult times in my life where I had not allowed myself to feel the pain, the hurt, and the sadness- times when I felt abandoned, times when I had been attacked, times when I had been mistreated and abused. God spoke to me so gently, but clearly and showed me that He had always been with me even through those times when I didn’t yet know Him as a Christian, when I never even knew He existed.
He whispered to me that it was okay to greive now, that I no longer needed to protect myself because He had all of my heart and would never mistreat me.
It was really painful reliving these moments when all I had tried to do my entire life is to leave them behind and force them away, but He gave me visions of peaceful waters and refreshing rains as He healed my heart. He set me free from the burdens I was unknowingly caring and softened the hard parts of my heart again so that I could love His people with everything He has given me. It was indescribely beautiful and such an intimate moment between just my creator and I.
In this moment God allowed me to experience Him and all His power and gentleness- me: the girl who loves logic and science and who never bases anything off of feelings and never, ever cries.
Knowledge is important and vital to being a Christian and the Bible warns us against relying only in our feelings and heart, but to experience the love of God and be healed from wounds that I didn’t even aknowledge were there changed my entire view of God and helped me trust Him and want to serve Him so much more.
There’s only inches between your head and your heart, but when the two are finally working in unision, the results are infinitely powerful.
