One thing I have come to learn about myself through these college years is that I am a commitment-phobe. And I’m not talking about the relationship category either- that’s a whole other story.
What I’m scared of is not having an escape route. I hate being all in with no way out, no back-up plan, and no way to flake out last minute. I hate getting attached and getting my hopes up because at some point it will end or I will be heartbroken with disappointment. It’s a defense mechanism I suppose; always the one to be apathetic because if you never feel or care how can you be hurt?
Since I’ve come to know the Lord, fighting that apathy and that tendency to hold things at an arm’s length has been quite the process. A few summers ago I did a mission trip with CRU that was 10 weeks long- it was the first time I experienced living in community and was able to open up and let people in.
Before that project, I hadn’t cried in years. I had successfully numbed myself to everything, but God (and some very persistent people!) finally cracked me and I became fully invested. I got excited about things that could go wrong, I deeply cared for the women God had placed around me, and I stepped out in faith to share the Gospel with perfect strangers; I let my heart show and for once wasn’t just watching what was happening, but actually participating.
Guess who was the girl literally sobbing on the last day when I had to say goodbye to people and this place that I had learned to care so deeply about? Oh yeah, this girl! Of course I was in the first car to leave so everyone was there, but this too turned out to be a blessing. Yes, that meant everyone got to witness this lovely little breakdown, but it also meant that I got to say genuine goodbyes and be smothered in the largest group hug ever.
So much for the strong girl who never cries.
Since then, the Lord has been softening my heart by showing me all the things to care about and how it’s worth it to love. Vulnerability, compassion, and even empathy have crept slowly in and yes, even some tears now and again. But commitment- I am still really bad at that. I still can’t open myself to loving and doing without that plan B in the back of my mind.
Last summer before my mission trip to the Middle East, I went to a briefing conference where this was blatantly pointed out to me. We talked about the parable describing the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 13:44-46) where a merchant looking for pearls finds one of great value in a field and sells all that he has so he can buy that field. I have already found that pearl and I have heard God’s call for my life, but so often I am not willing to go all in and trust that His plan will happen or is better than mine. I’m constantly telling myself to not get too attached and plan out an alternate future “just in case.”
I’ve been doing the same thing for the world race. Even though I have technically committed, I’m still functioning on the mindset that I’m not going. Why? Because it’s easier. Because it’s scary. Because it’s uncomfortable. Because I can’t image 16K coming in. Because I can’t imagine that God would really want to use me in this way.
Because this just wasn’t my plan.
Every time I tell someone about my trip, I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that this isn’t real and it’s never going to happen. It’s the same voice that likes to tell you that you look chubby today or that something’s wrong with you because you’re not married yet- you know the type. I’m slowly learning that this voice is definitely not the voice of God and doesn’t know what it’s talking about.
Today I got my first donation: $20 from an anonymous, online donor. I cried. I seriously cried over $20 dollars because it’s the first step of many more- some easy, some not- of this crazy journey the Lord has called me on. That $20 means I’m not alone, that someone else is “all in” and has revealed a conviction that I need to change my heart.
So you know what? I’m all in. No more hiding, no more pretending, and no more lying to myself. Lord, I’m buying the field!
