All of us have hurts. All of us have scars; some we don’t even know exist. This past week of training camp was more incredible than I ever imagined and there will surely be a blog about it to follow, but I’d like to first write about my team and the healing that is taking place in my heart. For those of you who do not know, my squad as a whole will be visiting each country on our route, but we will be divided into subgroups called teams and spread throughout that country to serve in various ministries. The idea of being placed on a team made me nervous. These were people I’d be living with, working with and traveling with for the next year of my life!
Going into training camp, I knew only one thing. I did not want to be on a team with all girls. I couldn’t imagine my life without guys. I’d grown up with two brothers. I was the only girl on both sides of the family for a majority of my childhood and most of my friends were guys. I could understand them better. They were easy to get along with and they always had more fun. To this day, I would much rather spend an afternoon getting dirt under my fingernails than painting them. While still holding on to my femininity, I strive to be as tough as the boys and it frustrates me to no end if I fail. Don’t get me wrong, I get along with women just fine! My co-workers are 100% female and I love spending time with my girl friends. It’s just easier for me to relate to guys.
As I made the drive from Michigan to Georgia, I knew that in just seven days, I would be placed with a team. The thought was both exciting and scary. I wasn’t exactly sure how teams were constructed but I knew that a lot of prayer was involved from the staff on our behalf. I tried not to worry too much about it. I was friends with everyone. What did I have to fear?
By mid week, before my squad had done any exercises or one-on-one talks, I heard a still small voice telling me I’d be placed on an all-girls team. The thought horrified me so I pushed it away. I chalked it up to pessimism. On the fourth day of training camp, the staff began to put us into small groups and observed us performing various tasks to study our dynamics. The first group I was placed in was all women and the tension could have been cut through with a knife. While we all loved one another, we simply did not work well together. I began praying this wasn’t a precursor for what was to come. Directly following the first exercise, our squad was separated into different groups for a second task and again, mine was all women. This time, things went a lot smoother and I began to feel a little more at ease…only a little though. What would I do without men on my team? After being placed in another female group for our third exercise, I began to realize that my placement without guys was inevitable. That voice I’d heard earlier in the week had been right. I figured there must be a reason I was not fit for a co-ed team so I began praying that God would show it to me. I begged him to help me come to terms with my fate, but I still clung to a little ray of hope that I’d have at least one guy on my team! That hope was squashed during the fourth exercise. I was again put with a group of all women. After being told that the fourth group would closely resemble our final team, I struggled a lot more than I expected I would. I tried to be ok with it. I loved all the girls in my group, but deep down I was afraid.
When our final teams were called, the outcome was just as God had been preparing me for. All women. I was excited! I was happy! I got along with each of the girls I’d been placed with, so why was there still this little seed of doubt in the bottom of my soul?
It wasn’t until worship that night, after spending an afternoon with these amazing women, that it hit me. Fear crept in and manifested itself in the form of a breakdown. I slowly realized that it wasn’t the absence of males I feared, but the presence of females. I was terrified of my own gender, and without guys in the picture, I had nowhere to run. Yes I’d been trampled on my men, but the muddy footprints they’d left on my heart didn’t come close to the deep scars women had left there. I’d been abandon. I’d been rejected. I’d been stabbed in the back by girls I thought were my friends. Endless gossip, slander and betrayal had become the main attributes I associated with them. As I let the bitterness and pain seep in, it was like a scab had been ripped from a wound. All the hurt that women had inflicted upon me began to surface; pain I didn’t even know was there came to light. As I sat in the back of the room, tears streaming down my cheeks, my squad leader approached me and began praying. She reminded me that although I was afraid, I had a choice. I could either let the enemy use my fear as a disabling wedge, or I could choose to open my heart to these beautiful women and watch God move as we developed a sisterhood that was stronger than any bond I’d ever experienced. I chose the later that night. It wasn’t easy, and it will definitely remain a challenge for me throughout this journey. I already love them so much, but every day I will have to make a conscious effort to trust them. That’s something I’m willing to do though because I know God is going to use this group of women to bring me healing. I now know that the team God has chosen for me is far greater than any team I would have ever chosen for myself. I also know that the enemy despises women. We represent beauty, tenderness and everything else he hates. Ever since the beginning of time, he’s prided himself on our manipulated fall, but that ends here. I have faith that together, we will rise above the lies of darkness and do amazing things for God’s kingdom. I’m so excited to see how The Lord moves in each of our hearts and the communities we touch. With much pride and joy, I introduce to you, team Steadfast Pursuit, a title that reflects God’s love for us, our love for each other and our heart for the nations.
Rachel Snowden, Annie Duplechain, Shara Perry, Brittany Obee, Kelsey Shreve, Myself
*Each girl’s name is liked to her blog so you can follow my teammates as well.
Please pray for us as we grow and share God’s love with the nations.
