Hello everyone.
I want to write about the last couple days; about the time we spent at a ministry called Family Life Legacy, about the container of girls clothes we spent two days organizing for the orphans, about the patients we prayed for in the hospital: a four year old girl who was hit by a car and required a leg amputation, and the eighteen month old boy who fell into some cooking oil while his mom was making dinner and received third degree burns all over his face and shoulders. I want to write about the dinner our host family treated us to at that nice Thai restaurant and how blessed I was by it, or how surprised I am that Maroon 5 is so popular in Zambia. I want to write about how excited I was to finally watch the Lion King in Africa, and about how privileged I feel to be a part of my new team, Elohim. But what I want and what I need are two different things, and right now, I think I NEED to write about where I am, emotionally and spiritually.
The reason I haven’t written in so long is because I’ve been battling a bit of depression. The fact that I’m in month five of my journey and half a world a way while the holiday season draws near, does not help my situation, but the underlying cause of my depression is that I’ve been lied to.
I’ve been told by the enemy that I’m a burden to my team. I’ve been told I’m the only person on my squad who isn’t growing; that my heart isn’t moldable and I’d be better off at home. I’ve been hearing little whispers about how selfish and uncaring I am; whispers that tell me I’m annoying, pathetic and incompetent; whispers that say I’m downright stupid!…And I’ve been believing them! I always have. All my life, I’ve found myself being drawn to these false words like a recovering alcoholic is drawn to whisky. I know they will hurt me. I’m aware of the consequences, but before I can even comprehend what is happening, I’m in over my head. Up until now, receiving the enemies lies as a credible source has been habit; it’s what felt comfortable. Pitying myself and drowning in self-hatred came naturally, and although it was unbelievably painful, it was easier than believing the alternative: that I’m actually worth something; that I’m valuable. It was a lot riskier for me to believe something good about myself because the devil would try extra hard to throw circumstances my way to make me believe otherwise. I thought the higher I climbed, the harder I’d fall, so it was best just to keep my spirits low. It didn’t occur to me until recently, that the reason I’d in the first place was because I let him get to me!
Well, I’m done listening to him now.
It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating, and quite frankly, It makes me angry. I am royalty. I am a daughter of the risen king! Satan has no power over me and up until now, I have given him too much of a foothold in my life. No more.
I am loved and cherished. I am smart and nurturing. I am selfless, I am kind. I am thoughtful. I am funny. I’m generous and forgiving. I am sought after! I’m not saying these things out of egotism. I’m saying them because they’re true; because Jesus is those things, and I have Christ in me! I’m redeemed. I’m free. As my team leader Meghan says, I’m already the woman I want to be, I just have step into who she is. That means speaking these truths over my life continuously. It’s going to be a challenge, It won’t be as easy as defaulting to sorrow and wallowing in my worthlessness. It will be a choice. A choice to believe what God says about me. A choice I will have to make every single day, no matter how I am feeling. So even when my face is broken out from humidity or dust, and I’ve put on a few pounds from all those tortillas I had to eat in Central America, I am beautiful. Even when I can’t understand the broken English of the locals and it’s taking forever to accomplish anything, I am patient. Even when I’m exhausted from back to back plane rides, bus rides and time changes, hungry because my vegetarian diet restricts me from eating everything but bread and rice for six meals straight, or irritated because I haven’t been able to shower in four days, I am loved.
These truths will bring life. They will bring the joy and liberty to my soul that Jesus always intended me to have. The more positivity I speak over myself, the easier it will be able to walk in my true identity, and eventually that will become my new default. I am who God says I am, and it’s these truths I’m going to believe.
Maybe I needed to write this because it’s been the primary subject of my spiritual growth the last couple weeks, and I had to get it out in writing. Maybe I hope that by posting this blog, people would read it and hold me accountable for the the future perceptions of myself. Maybe I needed to write it because the Holy Spirit was prompting me to share my thoughts for the sake of even ONE person out there who is believing the same lies I was. If that’s the case, I want you to know that you are dearly loved. You are special and irreplaceable. I can’t make you believe these things. It’s something you have to want. It may be hard. You may backslide every once in a while. But the progress you make will never be negated by the occasional stumble. The only reason Satan is trying to tear you down is because you are an unbelievable threat to the darkness. Keep your head high and listen to what the creator of your soul says about you. Every day.
