I’m no longer on a mission trip
We’ve reached Haiti safely. Words cannot describe how amazing this place is! Despite the roomers I’d heard about spiritual warfare and Haitian Voodoo, I’ve felt nothing but healing and grace since the second we crossed the boarder. Maybe it’s the mountains that lie to the east, or the ocean on the west. Maybe it’s the breathtaking sunrises and sunsets, or the grove of mango trees that grow in the center of our compound. Perhaps it’s the hundreds of children we get to interact with every day when we help with vacation bible school. Whatever it may be, I know Haiti is going to be life changing.
It was after an incredible thunderstorm that I decided to go for a walk. The sky was still royal blue from the pouring rain and lightning flickered in the distance. It was great weather to cool down in, both literally and figuratively. I was frustrated. I was exhausted. I was disappointed that this thing called the World Race hadn’t been as romantic and mind altering as I thought it would be. I was tired of trying to find where I fit in, where God could use me, and what role I could play in bringing his kingdom down to Earth. I was sick of feeling like I had nothing to offer. In a place with such beauty and peace, I was so unhappy. It was still drizzling when I made my way down to the oceanside. I sat and listened to the waves gently lapping on the shore. I began to think of blogs I’d read before my race from people who’d felt similar: unsettled and unsure. I never thought I’d be feeling this aggravated on the field. That’s when it really sank in that all the stories I’d read online; all the tales I’d heard from alumni at training camp and launch, were once their reality. Sometimes it’s hard to keep in mind that such events actually happened in people’s lives when I was never there to experience the joy, sorrow, panic or pain they felt. But in that moment, by the ocean here in Haiti, I realized that this was my race. I was living it out right then and I was experiencing some of those emotions. I was making stories that I would one day tell. They weren’t magical stories like I thought they would be though. I just felt exhausted and irritated. I really wanted to make this mission trip work…
That’s when I felt a little tinge of conviction. Everything I’d been complaining about was centered around me! What could get out of this race? Where could God use me? What benefit did I serve my squad. This Race isn’t about me though! It’s about God. He will make this trip work. He’s known every detail of it from start to finish before I even applied! All I have to do is relax in his presence, open- minded and willing. Then he spoke something to me that was so tender and real.
“This was never meant to be a mission trip but rather a honeymoon!”
That was the plan all along. It was part of his grand scheme to bring me back to him. Recently, our relationship had been so rocky I barely even talked to him. I didn’t seek him, and quite frankly I was ok with that, because I was confused, angry and apathetic. Instead of getting to the root of those feelings though, I’d used all my energy avoiding the cause and faking a solution. I’d been doing things on my own. For the past month, I’d been trying to pour out the love of Jesus to others when I was never full of him myself. It’s impossible to fill someone else’s cup when one’s well is completely dry. Up until that point, I’d put being a missionary first and a child of God second. This change of perspective freed me of all the burdens I’d been carrying. It offered my an opportunity to “rehydrate” so-to-speak. It gave me 9.5 months to spend falling in love with him again and resting in his presence; realizing that he is the perfect bridegroom and he will never stop pursing me.
I came to a land surrounded by water, with my soul parched. My first two months on this island have offered me so much rejuvenation! If I had to think of a word to describe my spiritual journey in each country, the Dominican Republic’s would be “realization.” Haiti’s would be “restoration.” I now see that my time of isolation last month was to help me realize the brokenness God wanted to restore in me this month.
So as of today, I am no longer on a mission trip. I’m on my honeymoon with the lover of my soul, strengthening my walk with him.
I still have $1,700 dollars to raise until I reach my next deadline. Fundraising while I’m out of country with limited internet is so much harder than i imagined it would be. If you would consider helping in any way possible, whether is be through donations, setting up an event, spreading the word or offering your services, it would mean the world! Thank you so much!
