I'm a nanny, and the most frustrating part of my job right now is that one of the boys I watch is going through the "just" phase. Every time anything is asked of him, his answer is "Hold on, let me just ….." or "But I was just going to do …..". He knows what he is supposed to do, but he doesn't want to, so he justifies what he would like to do instead of listen. Do his homework? No, he was just looking for something that was missing last week. Clean up his toys? No, he was just going to get a drink since he is so incredibly thirsty. It doesn't really seem like much, but when that is all you hear all day, it starts to kind of bother you a bit.
And then tonight, I was starting to get my Bible and journal out to do the reading plan I've been going through, and I found myself doing the same thing. Hold on, I just need to write down the hours I worked this week. I just need to check something online. I just need to……. When I realized it, I was a little ashamed. Here I am, so caught up in how much it bothers me when this little boy says it about eating his broccoli, and then I say it to the God of the universe about spending time in his word. In his living word. In his presence. I didn't even know how to respond for a few minutes. All I could think was "I'm sorry".
Funny thing about God is that he tends to speak to me about something through several different ways. So when I realize that I justify other actions used to distract me from being in the word, one of the passages I end up reading has a little something to do with it.
From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This shall never happen to you!" Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever looses his life will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"
Matthew 16:21-26
Jesus tells them that He is going to die, that what they need to do is know and accept that the way for God's will to be carried out is for Him to die, and then be raised from the dead. And all Peter hears is the die part. He hears that Jesus is going to die, and he starts to say, "But maybe we could just…." Peter was thinking on the things of men. If I'm thinking about all the other things I could be doing instead of spending time in the word, then I don't have the things of God in mind. I'm thinking of the things of men. And if I can't deny myself things, if Jesus calls me to something and I keep saying, "Hold on, let me just….", then I'm not picking up my cross to follow Him.
When I looked up "just" in the dictionary, when used as an adverb, it means doing something in the present, merely being, barely being, only doing, or asking for someone to pause while you do something. In the present, I want to be seeking God. I don't want to merely be living, barely following Jesus. I want to be so consumed by Him that I can't tell where I stop and He starts. I want to be following Jesus with everything. I don't want to put anything on pause. God's timing is perfect, mine isn't. I don't want Jesus to be "just" another part of my life. I want Him to be my whole life.
Only Jesus. Always Jesus. Just Jesus.
