I’ve been home for 2 weeks and I have yet to post anything about it. On the outside I seem fine, but on the inside I’m feeling every feeling known to man.
I wish I could capture what this year was, bottle it up, and give it to you for Christmas. I wish I could explain the way that my heart feels. Right now, or when I’m laying in bed in the quiet, or when you ask a question that I don’t know how to answer, or when I’m sitting in a room and every feeling hits me all at once. I’ll start talking, or journaling, or typing, and the words escape me. I’m overwhelmed by my emotions, but I’m choosing to feel each one in it’s entirety.
This year was… everything.
It was beautiful. It was heart breaking. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was the easiest yes I gave over and over and over again. It was eye opening. It was shocking. It was painful in the best and worst ways. I met some of my best friends this year. I had to leave other friendships behind. I’ve been loved in ways I didn’t know were possible. I’ve given love in ways I didn’t know were possible. There are pieces of my heart in every country I went to, in every home and church I entered, in every state that my squamates live in – but leaving my heart in so many places also means that it has been broken into more pieces than I know how to count. Sometimes I hurt so deeply to my core that I feel like I can’t breathe. But I can’t tell you the number of laughs, or the number of tears, or the number of prayers that happened this year. I learned to laugh with those who are laughing, and mourn with those who are mourning. I learned how to cry out and fully depend on the Lord. I learned to accept every feeling for what it is, take it to the cross, and lay it before the Lord. I left insecurities and sins behind, and I gained so much freedom along the way. And even though sometimes it was so so SO painful, I’ll never regret throwing love around like confetti. Never, ever, ever.
2019 holds my highest highs, and my lowest lows – and there’s not a single thing I’d change about it.
Thank you all for donating, praying, and just keeping up along the journey. If you ever have questions or want to know more about my trip please don’t hesitate to ask!!! I’m easy to reach 🙂
email: [email protected]
facebook: Emilie McNatt
insta: emiliemcnatt
