I knew before I even applied to the World Race that God would use it to change me. I anticipated those changes as much as I did the opportunity to serve and be part of the church worldwide. What I didn’t know was how much growth the Lord had in store for me, and still has. He has been doing some deep heart work on me the past four months. Things I didn’t even know I believed about myself have been brought to light, uprooted, and replaced with truth and life and freedom.
The atmosphere and culture of the Race—godly community, intimacy with God, and serving others—has begun the process of exposing lies that I’ve believed. I thought I knew myself well, but it turns out there are dark secrets in my heart, things I was not aware that I was holding onto: damaging words spoken over me, unhealthy habits from childhood, and an underlying sense of worthlessness.
The Race started off with a big moment of vulnerability for me. I shared in front of my squad, 42 people and our mentor, about my deeply-rooted internal struggle of feeling undesirable. I cried through it, which is kind of unusual for me. I explained how living nearly 24 years and never having been in a relationship has impacted my sense of self worth. I feel like I will never be chosen or pursued, that I’m not worthy of it. I can easily fall into comparison, telling myself that I’m the ugliest person in the room. Or that if I looked like her, I would be worthy of being loved or chosen. Sharing this was a big moment for me because I try to never draw attention to my insecurities; I am embarrassed by them.
After sharing, I experienced what you could call a vulnerability hangover: feelings of regret and shame. I wished I hadn’t been so open about my insecurities. I had fear that my motives for sharing would be misunderstood. Fear that I hadn’t explained my heart well. Fear that people would think I shared for attention. And even fear that sharing this made me more undesirable in their eyes.
The insecurity of worthlessness has made me overly aware of the space I take up, both physical and verbal space. One of my teammates has shared that she has observed me literally try to make myself smaller by drawing back and fading into the background. If I think I’ve been speaking too much, I’ll refrain from talking even if I have things I want to say. This fear of being too much for people comes from the belief that I have nothing meaningful to offer and that I am in the way.
I tend to dwell on what people think of me. Sometimes this is a healthy, reflective practice: are my words and actions honorable, am I looking for ways to be kind and helpful? But more often this is a negative habit: am I being annoying, did that look stupid, am I in their way? I’ve been challenged by several people to seek to please God and not man. It’s a process that I’m learning to grow in.
Something else I’ve struggled with nearly my entire life is perfectionism. This stems from fear of being useless and subconsciously thinking that I need to perform to earn love. I am the youngest child in my family, but I’ve never had the personality to fight for attention. I would, and still do to some extent, hide or mentally withdraw when my feelings were hurt or someone spoke hard truth to me. I also dreaded conflict and would shut down when confronted, which didn’t leave room for being teachable. That’s something my dad has tried to teach me my whole life, and I think I’m finally beginning to understand that being teachable requires laying down my pride and going to the Lord in humility.
Having a boyfriend/husband won’t be what completes me. Physical change won’t be what completes me. Even having friends who love and choose me won’t complete me. I can try to pinpoint certain things to work on, but really it’s the root and heart that need change. Only will I be complete when I look at the Father and finally open my ears to what he is saying to me. As God works on my heart, I’ve noticed improvement in certain areas, like an increase in grace and patience and kindness. I’m experiencing joy unlike ever before, joy that transcends circumstances. Confidence and security will come, as my heart continues to be shaped to reflect Christ’s. There are three main ways that the World Race has helped me grow toward overcoming my insecurities.
Mission: Having a real, deep sense of purpose has made a big difference. I can see the impact and worth of the things I’m doing on a daily basis. Mission isn’t distracting myself from the brokenness inside me, but it’s renewing my mind toward what is important. On the Race I am less self-focused and more Kingdom-focused. Ministry this year has looked like serving the local church, teaching English, leading children’s ministry, discipleship, and fellowship.
Intimacy: This year has brought an exponential increase in my intimacy with God. When I’m lonely, I’ve learned to turn to him instantly, instead of seeking out friends or family or distracting myself with a hobby. I’ve chosen to get to know God more, spending time with him in prayer and listening for his voice. He has spoken to me in new, real ways. I’ve been reading the Bible more diligently, and he always highlights something for me to take away. When the negative thoughts or feelings come, the Spirit whispers scriptural truths to my mind and heart.
Community: It’s impossible to live with six other people 24/7 for four months without insecurities being brought into the light. My teammates have called out damaging beliefs and destructive behaviors, and they have also begun the process of replacing the negative words in my head with uplifting ones. Team Poiema showed me every day that I am chosen, I am worth knowing, I am beautiful, and I have a lot to offer those around me. I am beginning to believe them because these aren’t vain compliments—they are affirmations of God’s thoughts toward me. My team also tells me not to hide or hold back, and that the world needs what I have to give.
Team Poiema: thank you for everything. For the ways you called me higher. For challenging my self talk and beliefs. For pouring into me and encouraging me. For the times we laughed together and for the times we cried together. God used you to begin healing what is broken inside me. You will always be my sisters.
Team Deepa: take me as you find me, but don’t let me stay there. I expect even more growth these next four months than the last four. I am ready to love and be loved by you.
