What is testimony?
The official definition is “evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something”.
In our case, the evidence of the immeasurable mercy and grace of God, displayed in lives radically changed from their former sin to abounding freedom.
But the sad truth is that this so often gets lost in today’s world.
In today’s society, where living is about personal image and internal strength, we are taught that vulnerability is weakness.
The problem is that, by denying our former sin and brokenness, we also fail to point to the power of the only one whose mercy and grace redeemed us.
The one piece of advice from training camp that will stick with me for the rest of my life is “it all belongs”. Everything that has ever happened to you and everything you’ve ever walked through is a part of the greater story, of your testimony, and therefore, of the impact you are capable of having on this world. Everything belongs, if you let it.
“There is a truth about people who cut themselves that I feel is often misunderstood.
Most people think that people who cut themselves are trying to die, when the truth is that so many of us are just trying to hold on to anything that still feels like living.
The tragedy is letting a life reach a point where the stinging sharp pain of a razor blade across your wrist feels better than the numbness of the rest of your existence.”
These are words that I never thought I would let another human being read, yet alone post on a blog page for the world to see.
After years of fighting depression, the end of 2015 was when I hit rock bottom.
I had searched for purpose and meaning in everything I could get my hands on: academics, athletics, relationships, success – I achieved everything I went after just to find that in the greater picture, they meant nothing to me.
To the world around me, I was reaching everything I could have wanted, and yet inside I was sinking deeper with every passing day.
I was tired of fighting it.
I was tired of spending hours staring at a blank wall because getting up felt like it could be my breaking point. I was tired of the numbness that engulfed every ounce of my life and made everything feel hollow. I was tired of trying to figure out a purpose in this life when everything I turned to just made the hole inside a little bit bigger.
I thought there was nothing out there that made life worth living, but I didn’t know Jesus.
Needless to say, walking into a church for the first time just a few months later has seemed to pretty radically change my life.
My identity was no longer defined by titles I could achieve for myself, my hope no longer rested on earthly things I could acquire, and my purpose was no longer dependent on my own ability to make something happen.
I used to think that letting people see the past was weakness. I had spent so many years and so much energy trying to make people think I was okay when I wasn’t, that letting people see how broken I was when I finally started to feel whole didn’t make sense to me.
But Paul writes “I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Cor. 12:9)
I did absolutely nothing to save myself. If it wasn’t for the immeasurable mercy of God, I would be nothing. And the immeasurable power of God is only fully displayed when I am willing to admit that I was hopelessly lost without it.
Testimony IS the redeeming power of Jesus on full display.
Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness
Yeah, the truth is ugly, but God is great.
And He shines exponentially more when we depend on His strength instead of trying to create our own.
I am not saying that trusting God with your depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts is an instant fix. Its not. I still have bad days. Very bad days, and for absolutely no reason. That hasn’t changed. But the hope that I have to keep living has.
Vulnerability is hard, but it is not weakness.
Someone loses their life to suicide roughly every 40 seconds. Every 40 seconds.
If you are reading this and this is you, talk to someone, talk to me.
I have spent years silent about things that could save someone else’s life if we were willing to talk about it.
Your testimony is powerful and has a purpose.
If my testimony can show a single person that there is a greater purpose to live another day, then everything I have ever walked through was not without meaning.
“I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. And most of my brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.”
-Philippians 1:12-13
It all belongs.
Today there are over 4.5 billion people who do not know the love of Christ.
Over 1 billion of these are very unlikely to ever hear the name of Jesus in their lifetime.
There is nothing I desire more out of this life than to bring these people the soul flourishing freedom of knowing Him.
To bring a light to people who have never known anything but their own darkness.
“I will make you as a light for the nations, that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth.”
Isaiah 49:6
If you feel called to partner with me in this, please consider sowing into the work the Lord is doing.
All my love,
Em
