Life with God is a series of saying yes coupled with surrender.
In early 2016 I said yes and signed up for the World Race. Because God had clearly led me to that point, I assumed I would be accepted. But that wasn’t the case. To be honest, my first reaction was to get super mad at God. He asked me, “Are you willing to still follow me when I say no?” Then, He led me through a season of growth and realignment of priorities. At that point, I had handed over the idea of going on the race and was willing to never do it if that’s what He wanted.
Roughly a year later, I had to say yes again and reapply. This time, I was accepted. Then the route was changed and the two countries (Mongolia & China) that had made me pick that route were removed. I started to say no. Thankfully I didn’t. God knew how much I needed to be on that specific route with the women of C Squad. Also, as a bonus, He sent me to Cambodia instead. See, as a young teen I had read about Cambodia’s history and asked God if I could go share His love with the Khmer. I wasn’t able to go to Cambodia then but I did end up going to Mongolia and sharing His love there. And so, I laid down one dream to take up God’s dream. Fast forward to this past year and instead of going back to Mongolia like I was planning, God sent me to Cambodia. Pretty cool, right?
I’m thoroughly convinced God loves to do that – get us to lay something down so we can hold onto Him and then give it back in His timing. Which leads us to now…
In July 2017, I attended a service at Big House Church in Norfolk, VA. They talked about this internship program they had coming up. At the time, I wasn’t 100% sold on the World Race despite being on track to leave in October. The only thing that kept me from changing paths was that I had already given my word. Another dream born and surrendered almost in the same day. Well, almost.
One day in the Philippines (August 2018), I saw something about applying for their internship but I thought it said September 1 which was the same day I was getting back. I realized then that I had actually held on to that dream for a year hoping that I would be able to do it when I got back. I surrendered the dream more fully this time and even forgot about it for a few weeks.
On September 9, I realized that the start date was October. I was excited for a few minutes before convincing myself that they wouldn’t be accepting applications anymore. (No, I didn’t check.) Then came the announcement of an interest meeting on September 16 for those considering applying. Well, obviously they’re still accepting applications. Too bad I have prior commitments and can’t go to the meeting. I looked at the application. Nope, not happening – some of theses questions are too hard/weird to answer right now.
Current community: Yeah, it just scattered to all over the world and the one I left a year ago is very changed.
Areas of church service: Nothing? Everything? I haven’t been consistently connected to a church outside my squad for a year.
Current Employer: Does God count?
And, moving on. Or not. Every time I opened up social media on the 16th, Big House Church or one of their pastors had the top spot in my news feed. I checked my bank account and started doing math. Could it work? I began the application but freaked out before I finished it. What in the world am I doing? I just got back! Project Searchlight will effectively eliminate a whole week of planning/preparation. This is impossible! I’m not good enough anyways. Hold up. That’s a lie. So what’s holding me back? No more fear! Let me sleep on it and think about it some more tomorrow. <— translation: I’m still scared.
I finally finished the application, hit submit, and heard nothing. Nearly a week later, I was driving down to Georgia for Project Searchlight (a time when I could reconnect with my squad and receive training on how to transition well). What now? I know I dragged my feet, but this felt like Your leading. Where do I go from here? I really wanted this. Have it again Lord. How long will I be stuck on this cycle? God is good. I’ve seen it. I know it. I choose trust. But can I at least get a hint of direction this week?
I can’t tell you how many times that was repeated as I drove. I do know that at some point, I had finally fully surrendered the dream and was willing – expecting even – to be given a new one. A few hours later, I received a message asking if I would be available to discuss my application for the Big House internship. Wait, what?! Ha! That is so like You, God! Wait till I surrender with no conditions and then say, “here you go. Have at it.”
On the final night of Project Searchlight, God asked me to speak not once but twice. So I did. How did that happen? That certainly wasn’t the me of a year ago. And yet, in a way, it was. Living with a yes in my spirit to whatever God asks of me didn’t start on the race. It’s a process He had started long before and continues to teach me. So I continue to say yes to God even when I don’t know where it will lead or agree with His timing because I know God is good. Currently, saying yes means having only a few days to find a place to live, moving to a new city, and creating new friendships as I begin my internship at Big House Church in Norfolk, VA.
P.S. This will be my final post on this blog so if you want to keep up with where God leads me next, you can continue to follow me here.
