There have been many times since starting the race where I felt God telling me, “I see you.” Not just He happened to glance my way but a deep knowing of who I was and still chose love. This month He showed me yet one more layer in which I was resisting His love.
Elyssa
Someone was trying to get my attention. I don’t even remember why but I remember being completely shocked. It was a simple thing but it affected me deeply.
They remembered my name! How did they remember? We only met yesterday. Why? Why, what?! Do I even know why I’m asking why? Is it why they remembered my name… or why it affects me so much… or why I don’t expect people to remember? Whoa! I don’t even expect people to remember ME, much less my name. I wonder what’s the reasoning behind that? Hey! Hold up. I should probably pay attention to what they’re saying.
I ignored my thoughts until later that day when someone else I had met the day before also called me by name. I’ve had people remember my name before but there was something about this time that seemed different. I’m not even sure what it was but it impacted me on a different level. Perhaps, it’s because I was ready and listening for God to show me what the focus of the month would be. (In case you missed it, the themes of the fist month was identity and surrender while the second month was all about rest and trust.)
Are we back to identity? I thought we’d dealt with that issue? Or is there something deeper here? A lie I missed the first time around? Or maybe I don’t trust people and that’s why I don’t think they’ll remember me?
As it turned out the themes of this month turned out to be grace and worthiness. Over and over, I kept running into those concepts – in the Bible, in other books I was reading, the titles of books I sorted through when helping make a library, and during conversations with multiple people. It seemed like I couldn’t get away from it.
And then one day, it hit me. I didn’t expect people to remember me because I didn’t expect them to care about me because I didn’t think I was worth the time or worthy of love. There was a part of me way down deep that believed I could never be worthy of love and there was no use trying. But what about grace? It was because I wasn’t extending grace to myself that I still felt unworthy. As I have learned to show grace even to myself, I have begun to understand that I am indeed worthy of love.
