Last August, during training camp, we had a camp out night. We had to work as a squad to prepare food and shelter for the evening. This was probably my second favorite time during the whole training camp. We started with setting up hammocks/tarps for sleeping and getting a fire going. After cooking and eating supper and s’mores, we all sat around the campfire singing songs and praying. Hailey had her guitar and Mary Beth had her ukulele. After a while, one of our sisters stood up and said that she had been feeling shut out at different times and was wondering if she should even be a part of the squad. The rest of us gathered around her and began praying for her and the whole squad and declaring that we would fight for each other. As we were doing that, the trainer who was with us that evening was praying that God set the spark in our souls on fire. At that time the fire that had died down to just embers, started back up and was so hot several of us had to step away from it. Sometime during that night, I made the decision that my squad was safe and I could open up to any of them at any time without fear of judgement and rejection. I could trust them to be my friends.
At month 4 debrief in Durban, South Africa, I opened up even more. I shared some things I was struggling with and cried openly. Through that came a deeper level of trust in those around me. I began to trust them to care for my heart. And I knew that I was on this squad because God wanted me here.
Then came a night in J-Bay where I didn’t trust anyone to help me walk through my struggles. My team wouldn’t let me hide. They told me that I belonged there with them in that moment. As a result of that night, I started trusting them with the very core of who I am – all my triumphs and struggles from the battles I fight in my head. It was (and still is) scary to trust someone that much.
The journey wasn’t over. There was more but this time was different. Unlike the others where I could point to a specific moment where trust deepened, this time it was slower. To be honest, it was so subtle that I didn’t even realize it had happened at first.
It started when we were at PenHOP (Penang House of Prayer) and the speaker told us to pair up and share our dreams – the thing we would do if nothing could hold us back. I turned to my team leader Anna and shared. ALL of it. Not just Project Butterfly; not part like I have in the past. I. shared. everything. I’d never done that before and I certainly didn’t mean to then but now it was out there and I couldn’t take it back. I was terrified and mad at myself. Why did I do that?
A few days later team time was “hot seat” and someone else asked me that same question. I looked at Anna and knew there was no way I wasn’t sharing everything. She already knew and was going to make sure I was completely honest with the rest of the team. Ready or not, I had to share.
A few more days passed and I did my testimony dance for the children of St. Joseph’s Home. After it, I shared a bit about how when I was young, I prayed and asked God for a dream. He gave it to me but I decided I didn’t want it. Then He gave it back to me. Over the next week, many of the kids came to me wanting to know more. What was the dream? How did God give it to me? What was I going to do about it now?
I also began telling people back home. In fact it wasn’t until Sunday night that I realized that instead of being scared or ashamed of the dream God gave me, I was now excited and wanted to share with anyone willing to listen. I realized the main reason I was scared of the dream was because it meant living in community. The community I’m living in now has shown me that community doesn’t have to be terrifying. Yes, there are times when it is hard but there are also many moments of fun and amazing intimacy. There’s a freedom in knowing that you aren’t alone – that you have a community where you belong.
Also, fundraising update: I’M FULLY FUNDED!!!
