If you haven’t read the first part of this story, you can find it here.
Monday (1/29 morning I woke up full of joy. It was a deep, abiding joy that came from God. I could tell something had shifted deep within my soul. There was more peace, joy, and freedom than I had ever felt before. As I processed through what had happened and what I was now feeling, I realized that the night before had been the first time in at least 13 years that I had cried in front of others without feeling shame. Not only that, but God told me that “more freedom is coming.” I felt so free that I couldn’t imagine how that could be possible but I was excited for it anyways. I was so happy that I could not force myself to walk. I was running, skipping, or dancing everywhere and just had so much energy. Several people remarked on how different I was, especially from the night before.
Tuesday I woke up feeling slightly nauseous and very unsettled. It wasn’t too bad so I was planning on not telling anyone and going to ministry anyways. I felt very strongly however, that I needed to stay behind and rest. After talking with Tessa, I agreed that it would be best if I didn’t push myself and took the time to rest. I still prayed with my team before they headed out. As soon as they said goodbye, I realized why I had been unsettled and why I needed to stay back when the thoughts in my head revealed that the real battle was whether or not I would trust God when it came to my identity.
“You need to go after them. Join them and prove your worth. If you stay behind and they find out that you weren’t really that sick, they’ll think less of you. How can you prove your worth if you sit out?”
I immediately decided that I did not want to listen so I grabbed my Bible and went to where I could see my team as they walked into the village for ministry. I alternated between reading bits of Scripture and praying for myself, my family, and my team until I could no longer see my team and then I took a long nap. It wasn’t until later that day that I realized that morning had been the first time in a very long time that I felt the freedom to choose to believe who God says I am and not try to prove my worth. I also finally got a chance that afternoon to talk with Ashley and let her know what had happened Sunday night. She spoke into my life and said that more healing and freedom needed to happen and that I should start doing prophetic dance.
Thursday morning God spoke to me about how I needed to trust Him with my family because He loved them even more than I do. He also spoke to me about prophetic dance but I didn’t want to hear it. I also partly thought it was only in my mind because Ashley had said something. I felt like if it really was from God, He would start bringing people into my life who would declare that over me and help develop it. He said He would. I just didn’t expect it to start as soon as it did.
It was our last day of village ministry, so we visited a few houses where we had made connections throughout the month. At the first one, the woman opened up to us and shared how she felt responsible for her family and like sometimes God didn’t see her. As my team ministered to her, they were also ministering to me because I needed to hear everything they were saying. The rest of the day was a constant struggle to be present in each moment. Even our translator noticed and asked me why I was so quiet. Before supper, I sat and talked with Tessa about how I was struggling to trust God with my family. After talking with her, I felt another level of release and freedom but knew there was at least one more layer to deal with.
After supper I was sitting on the church steps still struggling when our ministry host, Keila, walked past. She greeted me and I responded but it sounded so fake and I could tell she noticed by the way she paused. She finished the task she was doing and came to sit with me. She asked me if it was something someone on the staff had said or done. When I told her it wasn’t, she sat with me in silence for a while before asking if I wanted to talk about it. I started crying again and then shared with her some of what my family is going through and how I was struggling to trust God with my family. She shared with me a mother’s perspective of trusting God with those you love and then prayed for me. I felt even more freedom. We sat there talking about random things for a while. Somehow the subject of dance came up and (wouldn’t you know it?) it turns out she used to do prophetic dance. Only God could arrange something like that! She gave me a piece of fabric that she used to use telling me that it was for me “to take a step of faith and start walking in my calling and for healing.” I never told her anything about what Ashley had said or what God had said that morning. I walked away from that conversation thinking, “only God could arrange something as crazy perfect as that!” I ran into the room I was sharing with with Shea, Ashley, and MaryBeth, yelled, “God is so amazing!” And then ran back out to finish getting ready for the worship night we were about to have with our hosts.
I have cried in front of others several times since that Sunday and have not felt any shame. I am also much more confident in my identity in Christ now. I do not feel the need to prove myself through words or actions. When I got to debrief, people who had seen me just 10 days before commented on how much more joyful I seemed and wanted to know what had happened. During debrief, I had the opportunity to share with most of my squadmates at least part of the story of how God has shown up in such an amazing fashion. And I’m not tired of sharing it yet. I still want to tell anyone and everyone that God is indeed a God of healing. I may not know every single detail but I know God has brought healing to those deep wounds and now I am forever changed. All glory to God!
