Have you ever been to that place in your life where you see so many things you want changed in your life? And you tell God just do it already, fix me!
This is where I was at about 6 weeks ago, I wanted more, I wanted to go deeper, I wanted to be more broken.
Yes, things were going good, I was traveling through China with some of the most amazing people, going through training to become a raised up squad leader. But I was impatient with what I thought should be happening inside my heart.
So one evening I just took time and went and sat on the ocean shore and started pouring my heart out to Papa, as I looked out across the waters I noticed things stand out to me that I didn’t see at first glance, like an island way out in the distance, the mountains that all of a sudden appeared through the smog, and I heard Him say.
“I see the big picture”.
I was like ok God whatever, I know you see the big picture.
But then as I closed my eyes I saw the Father with my heart in his hands, I watched as it was cracked open and there was a ball of light on the inside that floated out into the distance, I tried to follow but couldn’t, my attention was drawn back to my heart still in His hands, this time there was a shell on the outside and a piece was chipped off and I could see that the inside was soft, I was disturbed with the shell around my heart, and I told Papa I don’t like that, And I asked him why.
He said “It is ok I got you”,
To which I replied, “I have never even been hurt enough to have this much of a wall around my heart, I really don’t like this take it off,”
He then asked, “do you trust me to do it?”
I said, “yes, but go ahead take it off right now, I can handle it,” And as I reached my hands up to help Him take the crust off He winced and moved my heart out of reach and said, ” Oh no baby girl that would be to painful for you, let me do it.”
And then the words that rocked my world……
Elva, “I am ok with your process, it is you that is not ok with it, my love does not change just because your eyes are opened to new areas for growth. I love you no more and no less, my love always has been and always will be the same.
You see I have this perception that as soon as I see an area in my heart that needs to be worked on, I need to fix it right away to measure up to God’s expectations of me. But that is not who He is.
And here is where that phrase He told me in the beginning makes sense, Papa does see the big picture, He knows my end from my beginning, the sin, the unhealthy things in my life that I all of a sudden realize, are not new to Him, he rejoices when I see an area for growth and then let Him work on that, it allows Him to take another piece of that shell off my heart.
So in conclusion the initial ball of light in my heart was more the condition I wanted to think that my heart was in. Yes everything is good! But Him not allowing me to chase that forced me to take a closer look at the true condition of my heart, and if I am not willing to see the reality I will not be able to walk in all the growth that Papa has!
I hope you are encouraged as I share this piece of my heart with you all. Don’t be afraid to see the reality of your heart because it’s not new to your Father anyway, and I want to say it again, Papa is ok with your process!
