The last time I spoke on here about my fear of rejection and my emotions, I had just arrived home from training camp and had been sent on a whirlwind of emotions, fears, and the start of walking in freedom and let me tell y’all that journey has NOT STOPPED. In my time leading up to my launch of leaving on the Race, I prayed one of the most dangerous prayers of my life and asked the Lord to put me in situations where I would have to confront this fear of rejection and walk in full freedom from it. Let me tell y’all I was not ready for the full force impact of what the looked like.
From the moment I arrived at Launch, I was ready to go home. I cried every time I had a single moment alone because I couldn’t shake the feeling of being unwanted, wether by my team, my squad, or leadership. Every single time something I perceived as a rejection would happen I would engrain it so deeply in my core, every kinda awkward situation I would engrain as another reason I was unlovable or unwanted. I believed so deeply that I was unlovable and the craziest part is I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT THIS WAS SOMETHING I BELIEVED ABOUT MYSELF. It’s honestly crazy the lies we have engraved into our hearts that literally dictate every behavior or choice we make without us even knowing. On the final night of launch all I could think about was how desperately I wanted to go home but thinking “if I leave everyone will think I’m a failure and it will be one more reason for people to dislike me” so I woke up, got myself on that plane, and took off to Mongolia.
Upon arrival to Mongolia, I was hit with an instant moment of homesickness and all I wanted was to run into my mother’s arm and curl up in a place of safety. I felt adrift, lost, and confused. I remember lying asleep on a church floor and waking up crying with the most intense feeling of fear. I was essentially alone with five strangers ( we had spent about 15 days total of time together at this point), 8000 miles from home in a country that I knew next to nothing about and it was the scariest moment of my life. Instead of dealing with my emotions is a healthy way (because that would be logical) I reacted in a lot of anger and build walls around my heart to guard myself from the people around me. I struggled so much with feeling rejected by my team and that I was fighting a battle alone. I would cry out daily to the Lord asking me why I was called here, only to be fighting alone. I felt like I was drowning in tears and just when I thought I was getting my footing back the rug would be pulled out from underneath me. As the month drew to an end I was in a terrible place as much as I tried to pretend I was fine, I could barely get through a day without crying. I was surrounded by the rest of the squad and began to form friendships with the people there. (Shout out to the OG roomies KBell and Catie for talking me through that week and for showing me what healthy friendships look like since then) I still was struggling with rejection and would struggle in group settings with feeling accepted for who I am.
As we moved into Month 2 in China, my team began to work on Inner Healing and I began to spiral downwards with bouts of intense sadness. There would be days when I would lock myself away in my room and not move except to eat. Inner Healing forced me to examine relationships in my life and what love, acceptance, security, and friendship looked liked to me. We were forced to confront the ugliest parts of us and memories that we preferred to stay buried. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life and I hated every second of it. I started to form bonds with the other girls on my team but was still struggling to reconcile past wounds and forgiveness. Two girls on my team, Michaela and Laura, stayed out in the city with me so we could explore and go dancing that night and it is still one of my sweetest memories from this race. The month came to a close and we met up with rest of the squad at the airport and I have a distinct memory of feeling so unwanted that isolated myself from the rest of the squad. A sweet friend on my squad named Kaysha sought me out and sat me down as I cried through what I was feeling. She gave me some very tough but very needed love. She told me that I need to speak out against these feelings because they are not of the Lord. She held me while I cried and fought through these feelings.
As we arrived into Kazakhstan for Month 3, we had a mini debrief for help us decompress and prepare us fro the month ahead of us. One night on our way to dinner, I was talking to a fellow squamate, Macky, about how I’d been feeling leading up to this point and how I was struggling with feeling accepted. She spoke to me about how she thought that maybe this was something deeper and told me to speak to Nico ( our alumni squad leader, she has already completed the race and is spending 5 months with us to prepare us for our race) about having a deliverance. ( a deliverance is when there is a spirit/demon attached to us essentially a personal little devil on your shoulder speaking evil into your ear and we expel them from our lives) I prayed the next morning asking the Lord to reveal if this was something I should do in order to heal better. After much prayer I waled up to Nico terrified out of my mind and asked her is she was free to do a deliverance with me. Later that night Nico, Macky, and I embarked on a journey into my first deliverance. I was scared out of my mid, unsure of what was going to happen, but so desperately wanting to be free from the torment. Over those next 30 minutes a lot came to light, lies the enemy was whispering in my ear but more importantly the truths that Jesus was speaking to me covered me with love and pride. I didn’t walk out of that room the same person that walked in. Lies that were deeply engrained in my heart were erased and replaced, I spoke those words that the Lord gave me everyday for weeks until one day I turned to a teammate and realized that I hadn’t felt rejected in over two weeks. After walking in years of feeling rejected daily I finally am beginning to walk in the freedom that was promised to me by Jesus.
I AM CHOSEN.
I AM FORGIVEN.
I HAVE BEEN SET FREE.
