Ever since I can remember, I have been inhibited by my taste buds. Many would characterize it as ‘picky eating,’ but for me it was much more than a simple dislike for ordinary foods. For me it was a repulsion to anything that was mixed together, and not in a dramatized attempt to draw attention to myself, but a genuine feeling of sickness when served food that was all mixed together. The list included
Any and all sandwiches (yes this means hamburgers), Sushi rolls, lasagna, fettuccini alfredo, any soup, cheese, and many other items that are normal to the everyday American.
As a child it didn’t seem to be that big of a deal, but the older I got the more of a nuisance it became. I would skip meals on the pretense that I ‘wasn’t hungry’ in an attempt to not inconvenience my friends, when in reality my stomach was grumbling the whole time. At camp I struggled with eating enough because the meals were hardly bearable to swallow most of the time. I slipped into poverty mindset, meaning if there was a meal I liked, I would eat as much of it as possible afraid that I didn’t know when my next ‘edible’ meal would come.
I wasn’t just ‘picky,’ I had a mental block that materialized as a very bad gag reflex. Anything I ate that my body didn’t like, I would gag and begin to choke it back up.
Phrases like, “the least you could do is try a bite,” or “how do you know you don’t like it” we’re like daggers to my pride. I WOULD TRY IT IF I COULD.
It became somewhat of a joke in my family, but in reality, I thought about it all the time, “what would I be making for dinner if I didn’t like what my mom made?” I hated being an inconvenience but I also couldn’t down the food – it was a paradox I couldn’t escape.
Most people struggled with eating too much, or not wanting to eat, but I felt so far out of the realm of an eating disorder that my problem seemed ‘too small to bring up’ or ‘irrational’ because people would just say I was being dramatic and should simply eat the food.
I began to try to avoid the subject all together and when it was made into a big deal, I would often retreat into myself and throw up the wall that I ‘just wasn’t that hungry.’
Although you may be thinking ‘why am I reading this blog? This girl is so dramatic’ I want you to see from my POV. You are able to eat 3 meals a day no problem, it doesn’t cause a huge shift in the way you live out your life. Imagine having 3 moments in the day where you knew that you were going to be put into a situation where you would have to feign your hunger (and then sneak into the pantry for some crackers) or explain to yet another person why you couldn’t ‘just try it.’ That is like telling someone with Anorexia to ‘just eat more food’ or telling an alcoholic ‘just stop buying alcohol.’ It is not that simple; it is a mental struggle not one of want or need.
Applying for the race, my biggest fear was ‘what am I going to eat?’ as was often my thought whenever I was in an environment I couldn’t control. This would be more than a week at camp or a meal missed with friends, this was 9 months?? I had assumed ‘picky eating’ as part of my identity. As something that was just as much ‘Ellie Miller’ as my blue eyes and red hair. But that is again where I was wrong. In the spring of my senior year in the midst of fundraising for the race I was awakened to the limitlessness of God and how much I was putting restrictions on his capabilities.
Once I recognized his immense abundance, I felt comfortable asking my older sister to pray the scariest prayer. One that could be practically measured and therefore could find fault in God, I asked if she would pray with me that my taste buds would be healed. I knew this hinderance was not from the Lord and from the ways he had shown up in the past months, I knew he could do this. I remember being extremely grateful that Maddie took my request very seriously and didn’t laugh at the notion that my taste buds could be healed spiritually. It was the first time I really wanted to believe I could be healed.
That took place at the beginning of summer and right after there wasn’t a ‘aha’ moment where I felt my physical taste buds moving around and being redeemed. I felt the same. I continued praying for my taste buds for the weeks after.
At the end of that month, I left for Costa Rica with my church for a week. My first thought of course was ‘what am I going to eat?’ However, it didn’t take long for God to show up. One of our first meals we had beans and rice and something else that was nothing I had tried before. And acting almost not of myself, I began to mix it all together as I had seen some of the Costa Ricans doing. I was sitting next to my best friend, Tori, who had grown up with me my entire life and knew my struggle with food, gaping with her mouth wide open. “What are you doing?” she asked. “It’s better this way,” I heard myself say and then was astounded at the response. For the rest of the week I kept waiting for the ‘magic’ to wear off and for my normal self to come back. But it wasn’t magic and it didn’t wear off. It was the living God and he had healed my taste buds.
I couldn’t believe it! I was free from the chains that I had claimed as mine for so long, not believing anyone would look at them seriously enough to take them off. The time eventually came around for training camp and I didn’t think once ‘what am I going to eat?’ Instead I was able to stay completely focused on my squad and what the Lord was going to do through this whole journey. Training camp is notorious for its strange food and small portions so I was surprised when there was not one meal I couldn’t eat!! I was truly free and I haven’t gone back since.
Being on the race, I have been able to eat every meal served to me without complaint, what a celebration of victory!! It has allowed me to clear up headspace from worrying about food to kingdom thoughts.
The enemy uses many tactics to try and keep us stagnant and not work for the kingdom. For me, one of the strongest tactics was my constant battle with food. It was much easier to stay at home where I knew I could easily provide for myself and not have to worry about inconveniencing anyone or being hungry. It was a tactic that I believed was my way of life, not the enemy attacking me. However, when I rose up in prayer and asked for real healing, the power of the enemy was suddenly destroyed. I no longer have to limit myself because of my diet, but I can travel to the ends of the earth, eat grasshoppers if I must. But more importantly I don’t have to fill my head with a poverty mindset of ‘what will I eat next’ and can instead fill it with kingdom thoughts and ways to accomplish them.
Is there anything that you have accepted as ‘your portion’ that actually isn’t what the father intends for you? Pray and ask him to release those chains. I never thought that picky eating was something the Lord could heal, but here I am 7 months into the race and not once have I worried about my next meal.
With Excitement for cultural foods instead of fear,
El
