Howdy, hi, what’s up, its been a minute. The last time I wrote a blog post was in December, not because of a lack of movement by the holy spirit but because of an over abundance of movement by the holy spirit and I needed time to process all that I was experiencing. But alas, here I am which means I’ve spent hours verbally processing with friends, family, and in all honesty myself (verbal processors are the worst!! Sorry) But here I am 4 months later, writing my first blog post of the year, in full vulnerability, no sugar coating, raw life with Jesus. This is a long one, but I promise its worth the wait. Here we go.
At the beginning of the semester I felt refreshed because the first semester I learned all about the limitless-ness of God and how he is the heckin creator of the heavens and the Earth and how audacious it is for us to even question his will for us in the midst of all the promises of his goodness so evident through his creation and attention to detail. Take a close look at every. Single. hair. On. Your. Head. He took the time to craft each strand specifically for you. Did you know one piece of hair can be used to identify you at a crime scene: this means 2 things
- Don’t commit any crimes, you will be caught
- The God who created the Universe which is vast and incomprehensible, also cared about the little things like that each strand of hair on your head (yes even the ones that are stuck on your hairbrush, the ones you don’t even find important) uniquely points back to you in its identity and thus back to the father in its ingenuity.
WOW. If that does not make you stand in awe stop reading here, go outside and watch the night turn into day and how almost magically the sun wakes up everything around it like a daily resurrection of life. Still not enough? Take a year to admire the way the earth naturally dies and decays but rises back up with the coming of spring. If these are not clear and present evidences of God, then you need a heart check, because I can tell you for sure it is not God who is not being loud enough, it is us not being willing to listen hard enough. He is screaming out with all of creation, “come children.”
Wow what a first semester. I was able to see so much of how grand our God is. It blows my mind each morning that I wake up to see the sun rise, or raise my voice in hallelujah (singing?? whatttt even is that?? Vocal chords – amazing).
Second semester was grind season. I still had a whole semester of online English 4 to finish, both Government and Economics to finish and a whole year of science… Just so I could graduate. Everyone else seemed to be slowing down right when I was putting on my accelerator. Everyone knew where they were going to college, knew their roommates, and had started saying goodbye to the high school days. Meanwhile I didn’t even know if I’d be able to say goodbye to high school If I didn’t finish these classes…
With stress higher than my caffeine intake I managed to knock out English 4 in a single weekend and from there began night school for government. In case you have never been to night school DON’T DO IT I REPEAT DON’T DO IT. I had to be in a classroom Tuesday-Thursday from 4-7pm working on government which wouldn’t have been too bad if I didn’t have to go home and then do all the homework from my AP classes. Being at school for such extensive hours and then staying up late to keep up with my classes was mentally and physically draining and despite my efforts my grades began to drop.
In an effort to stay on top of my online classes and my grades I stepped out from leading in Generation Now (formerly #howtolife, PS: gennow is a way better name – who even uses hashtags anymore??). If you know me, saying ‘no’ is one of the hardest things for me to do, so for me to step out was frustrating. I wanted more time in the day to do everything! I was frustrated that I had to give up things I enjoyed for school.
At the end of January we had our CNA certification exam which is what we have been preparing for all year in our Basics of Medical Practice class. Everyone was expected to pass it and years before only students who paid no attention in class didn’t passed. The night before I even had a friend who had taken the class before say, “Honestly if you don’t pass I will be disappointed cause that test it so easy and no one fails.” Obviously as someone who cares and strives for excellence in school I surely expected to pass: until I didn’t. I remember skipping the rest of the day and going home in tears because I was so embarrassed. Although it seems trivial now (am I even going to use the certification?? Who knows) at the time every one of my friends passed and I was utterly embarrassed and disappointed in myself. Thoughts of “Who am I to think I can be a physicians Assistant if I can’t even pass an easy CNA exam test” crept into my mind and doubt rattled through my brain while waves of disappointment discouraged me.
In late February my boyfriend of a year and a half and I broke up because our lives were heading in different directions and I felt the Lord calling me out of the relationship. Saying goodbye to someone you know so intimately is difficult especially when you are saying goodbye for the last time. Breakups are the worst because everything changes in an instant. Its hard, and its sad, but its necessary. I began to see a pattern that I seemed to be losing everything important to me, “why God?” I cried out.
Not too far after, UNC decisions were released for admission. I didn’t get in. When I first made the decision to follow Jesus on the World Race I was prepared to sacrifice my senior year, I was prepared to sacrifice my position as Editor-in-chief of the yearbook, I was prepared to sacrifice being HOSA President, I was even prepared to sacrifice a year away from my family, but it seemed as if he just kept asking for more. “My dream college?? Really God? Not that too.” I was beginning to feel the true sacrifice choosing to follow Jesus and go on the World Race would cost me. I was mad and I was angry “God why are you taking so much away when all I want is to pursue you.”
One night I was at life group (basically like a small group of people who gather to worship the Lord). It was a worship night so we played music and were able to worship as we wanted. I was praying that God would speak to me and show me what he wanted me to hear. I have been often hesitant to ask him this because I’m afraid he won’t show up and then I will leave disappointed but boy oh boy we do not serve a less than marvelous God. I had my journal out waiting for him to speak and I felt he was telling me to get on my knees in worship which (if you know me) makes me super uncomfortable around others, but hey already sacrificed everything else to the Lord, why not just throw my pride into the pile. I got on my knees and put my journal down, closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind. I envisioned I was in the middle of a desert on my knees and was thinking to myself if Jesus himself were to walk up to me what would he say. For a while I sat there just waiting in the desert sand for Jesus to appear. In my vision, he walks up to me as I am on my knees, in robes of white almost the exact color of the sand and stands before me.
This part I really can’t explain: I have had my hands palm up on my thighs this whole time but suddenly I am moved to feel the ground around me – only its not ground it is sand and I’m feeling more and more until I hit something hard. I move the sand around to reveal 2 chests, one beneath each hand. I open the chests and the inside is filled with gold coins!!
But wait there’s mores
At this point I am kinda confused if Jesus is trying to recreate pirates of the Caribbean or what but I’m still rolling with it. I’m still on my knees when I suddenly feel the urge to reach in my pocket and inside are 2 GOLD PENNIES, actual pennies that look gold!! (that day in chemistry we had done a lab where we used several solutions to take off the copper on the penny and replace it with another solid that was gold through a series of reactions) I had put them in my pocket and forgotten about them until just this moment. (How crazy that we want to separate science and God when science literally provides evidence for God?!)
Left: real penny Right: Gold penny
In that moment I knew all of my sacrifices were nothing compared to his goodness. I was so adamant to stay in control that I was missing out on so much of his provision!! He literally had to send a physical reminder to get me to understand. That night he showed me how he makes pennies of gold!! How worthless and useless pennies are in today’s society, there is even debate on stopping the manufacturing of pennies because they hold no value. Our trials and sacrifices our ‘pennies’ in life that seem pointless are made for a purpose! Something that seemed pointless before has abundance of value in God’s presence. He not only wants to turn one situation into Joy, but ALL situations into joy – in short he wants to give us chests of gold pennies – giving worth to the worthless!!
We are the same in that we are incapable of amounting to anything on our own but in Christ we are made GOLD! And although a penny by itself is pointless – thousands of pennies amount to a large amount of money. This parallels the way the kingdom is meant to function, not by the individual but by the sum of the holy spirit flowing through each and every person.
The truth is – to truly follow Jesus in the way we were meant to – we must sacrifice everything, not only the things we are willing and prepared to sacrifice. When Jesus came to Simon Peter and Andrew he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. ”Immediately they left their nets and followed him. (Mathew 4:19-20). Emphasis on ‘immediately.’
I so eagerly wanted to follow Jesus at the beginning of this semester, but it was on my terms and in my time. I wish I could’ve been like Simon Peter and Andrew and immediately cast down my fishing net – my grades, my acceptance, my relationships, my yearning to be good at something – and followed Jesus. But I couldn’t and so God did it for me. Following Jesus is sacrificing every. single. day. Dying to our earthly habits, needs, and goals in order to be kingdom minded. Through the ‘sacrifices’ I made throughout this semester I was able to see how little I was willing to sacrifice in the first place and to see how following Jesus does not mean following comfort, but following discomfort in pursuit of him who is all things good.
The maker of gold pennies.
Although what seemed like situations of despair and sacrifice – he quickly turned my pennies into gold. Each time he closed a door, he opened another! I only had to be obedient enough to trust and listen to him.
- Giving up working with GenNow gave me time to finish all my classes and I am now officially going to be able to graduate ’19 (!!!)
- After failing my CNA test, my mom was determined to not let me pity myself and encouraged me to sign up for a retest – not necessarily for the certification, but just to prove to myself that I am capable. Second time around I passed.
- Our God is a God of reconciliation and after breaking up with my ex boyfriend we were able to take time away from each other and separate our feelings and reconcile our relationship as friends. Although it’s not the same as before, I still rejoice in a God who doesn’t want to see us in broken relationships but longs for his children to have peace.
- Although I didn’t get into UNC, I have been blessed with so many NEW RELATIONSHIPS rooted here in College Station. Mallory, Madi, Charlie: you all light up my life and I can not wait to travel the world with you. Brazos Christian friends: ya’ll show me raw worship in everyday activities and that no matter the circumstances God deserves our praise. Bryan High pals: I am blown away by the community and kindness ya’lls little group shows others and the passion ya’ll have for the Lord.
Second semester has melted me down! But nether-the-less God has been able to take me in my molten state and form me into a woman who follows after Jesus with arms wide and full of abandon. Here I lay my futile plans and near-sighted goals at the feet of Jesus – I invite you to surrender with me, “here are my pennies God, my worthless trials and efforts, I trust you will make them gold, full of purpose and worth. ”
Music to me has always been better at describing emotions than any of my words can so here I leave you with the lyrics from a song that accurately and perfectly describes my fight with the Lord this semester, my resistance, but his ultimate victory.
He has already won every battle. The King of my heart.
Rejoicing-in-an-abundance-of-gold-pennies,
El
I Don’t Wanna Go By: Chris Renzema
(this is only partial sections of the song)
Like David and the temple I wanna bring You praise
But like David and his temple plans Your ways are not my ways
You don’t need me to build a temple to know that You love me still
Like Israel on the shore All I see is crashing waves
But like Israel on the shore It’s through the wild You make a way
I will go where You go, I will stay where You stay
Like Moses in the desert I wanna see the land
But like Moses in the desert I can’t fully see Your plan
Still Your love doesn’t stop, when I see the land from a mountaintop
I don’t wanna go if You’re not going before me
I don’t wanna go if You’re not going before me
I don’t wanna go if You’re not going before me
I don’t wanna go if You’re not going before me
Like Jesus in the garden Won’t You take this cup from me?
But like Jesus in the garden You don’t call where You won’t lead
I wanna love like You love, wanna bleed like You bleed
