I grew up in the Methodist church where you can be baptized as a baby, which I was, however as I grew older, I began to build my own beliefs and personally don’t believe in baby baptism’s, but instead in baby dedications. When I was in 6th grade I went through confirmation where we essentially spend a year learning about this Jesus guy and then at the end decide if we wanted to ‘confirm’ our belief in Christ. It is called ‘confirmation’ and is essentially what it sounds like, however we aren’t fully submerged in water.
All of these doctrines that I had grown up with made it really confusing, when for the first time I went to another church and we talked about the importance of full body submersion baptism. This was about 2 years ago and since then I had an abundance of questions the moment ‘baptism’ was brought up. “Have I already been baptized?” “Would it be against doctrine?” “what will people back home think?” “does it really matter? Because I already know I’m saved?” So many questions swarmed my brain I asked everyone what they thought about it. My youth leader, my friends, my leadership. Seemingly everyone but the holy spirit.
Finally, last Thursday, October 3rd I was watching once again as people on my squad were getting baptized and the same questions arose to my mind to which I quieted them by thinking, “Maybe after debrief once I can talk to Madie (my squad mentor) about it.” But I had been saying ‘Maybe after…” for almost 2 years now and Jesus was simply waiting for me to step into the light.
We had almost finished the baptisms and Gabe spoke up saying, “There is someone here who is wrestling with God right now, who is struggling with saying yes because of a doctrine you were raised on; he wants you.” I just about fainted because the Lord saw me in my hesitations and called me into the light. I stood up with shaky breath and laid testimony to what Gabe was saying. Earlier the Holy Spirit had me lead the squad to sing the children’s song “I’m laying down my sorrow, I’m laying down my shame, I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord – yes Lord x9 Amen.” I declared that if I was going to lay all these things down, that also meant laying down my religion, laying down my doctrines, and declaring “Yes Lord & Amen” for all my days.
I stepped into the cold bathtub that they had put on the lawn in the Guatemalan base – the most imperfect setting. (The Lord further emphasizing to me that it has nothing to do with tradition and everything to do with heart posture.) In black jeans and a newly washed shirt, I declared my life surrendered and was baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, dunked under water for the first and last time in my life, and was raised up to cheers from my family.
The Lord has declared Justice and victory over my life and I finally saw how much more depth there was to go with the Father. If my decision to step into that bathtub seals my fate for a life of persecution, un-acceptance, and possibly death, then I say hallelujah Amen to that because I am tired of living my life waist deep in the river – it’s time to dive all in baby! My baptism was just a physical step toward that depth, saying yes to Skin on Skin forever with the one who created it all. For never taking a step unless he is taking it also. To full surrender – & I mean FULL surrender – at the cross, at the edge of that bathtub, at my entitlement, at my pride, at my life!
I am completing the ‘I do’ that the father has been waiting for for years! I was so worried about the integrity of the marriage license when all he was waiting for was my ‘I do’ – imagine if we could simply bind God to a doctrine how lost & shallow our relationship would be. Instead, he gives us the opportunity to throw away the papers, throw away the formality, and simply say yes to marriage with the father, for pursuing each other daily, for choosing ‘yes’ even when it’s hard.
I sit here declaring that this baptism be an Ebenezer in my life. A declaration of the Lord’s faithfulness and of his desire for nothing more than to have a deep relationship with me. Without shame or fear of doctrine but holy intimacy!!
I had time later in the day to process with the Lord where he spoke these words through me:
“In all things remind me of your steadfast intimacy and my ability to be disciplined in pursuit of your worship despite my emotions. You are so good and so close. I can feel your breath in tune with mine like a sweet melody of heavenly creation. I am grateful for the breath you have put in my lungs to praise your name – but God allow me to be breathless in pursuit of your praise and worship. It truly is like walking in the Garden with you again, barefoot & holy. You are too good to let me go.
Thank you for declaring my soul yours, for having favor on my life, for stepping into deeper waters with me, for constantly pursuing my heart, for all the ways you speak to me and through me, thank you.”
The truth is, being baptized didn’t change anything about my salvation or knowledge of the father but it has allowed me to jump into depth and obedience beyond what I understand. If everything I do is to simply grow closer to the father then this was another step towards that goal.
So, after wrestling with God for 2 years I finally realized there is no ‘correct’ or ‘incorrect’ way to pursue the Lord, there is simply obedience. And when we dare to wrestle with the father that is when intimacy is born.
Further-up-further-in,
El
