I’m So Tired, But…

I’m so tired.

I’m tired of carrying my life in a sack.

I’m tired of day long bus rides and two day long flights.

I’m tired of changing the time on my watch every few weeks.

I’m tired of never knowing what the people around me are saying.

I’m tired of being yelled at in a foreign language.

I’m tired of smiling at strangers.

I’m tired of always being a stranger.

I’m tired of mispronouncing the same word 78 times in a row.

I’m tired of seeing starving children, hopeless faces, and hurting nations.

I’m tired of feeling helpless.

I’m tired of being stared at.

I’m tired of meeting new people.

I’m tired of saying goodbye to people I have grown close to.

I’m tired of my clothes not fitting like they did a year ago.

I’m tired of having to constantly look for a source of clean water.

I’m tired of singing at nearly every church we go to.

I’m tired of packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking…

I’m tired of feeling like I always have to be “on.”

I’m tired of eating strange food.

I’m tired of casual diarrhea.

I’m tired of never getting to be alone.

I’m tired of feeling alone amidst hordes of people.

I’m tired of being told where to go, what to do, and what to wear.

I’m tired of not being able to walk or drive wherever I want whenever I want.

I’m tired of calculating conversion rates.

I’m tired of never being comfortable.

I’m tired of going from one temporary home to the next.

I’m tired of sharing a bedroom and bathroom with so many others all the time.

I’m tired of cold showers.

I’m tired of not feeling safe.

I’m tired of team time, processing, vulnerability, feedback, and CNCs.

I’m tired of the money in my bank account only going down, down, down, and never up.

I’m tired of being kissed by and having to kiss back complete strangers (In South America you greet all ages with a kiss on the cheek).

I’m tired of missing birthdays and special moments with family and friends back home.

 

And most of all, I’m tired of being so tired.

 

…

 

But, more than I am tired, I am grateful.

 

I’m grateful for constantly being surrounded by the kindest, wisest, most loving and encouraging people I have ever met before.

I’m grateful for getting to experience 11 different countries and cultures at the age of 21.

I’m grateful for smiles and laughter which breakdown every language barrier.

I’m grateful for every person that I didn’t know a year ago who I now call my family.

I’m grateful for experiencing the unity of the body of Christ in a far grander scale than I could have ever imagined.

I’m grateful for getting to see God provide for me, my team, and my squad regularly.

I’m grateful for all that I have learned about myself.

I’m grateful for having new favorite foods.

I’m grateful for earplugs, my sleeping bag, tent, and blankie, which bring some regularity and coziness wherever I am.

I’m grateful for experiences that bring to life what the Bible says.

I’m grateful for a body well enough to endure so much travel and such drastic changes.

I’m grateful for getting to practice a counter-cultural life free of expectation.

I’m grateful for having people running this race with me who are set on the same things I am.

I’m grateful for teammates who love me, pursue me, and call me higher.

I’m grateful for a leadership team who loves me and cares for my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing.

I’m grateful for opportunity after opportunity to practice dependence, patience, and faith.

I’m grateful for getting to see such incredible natural beauty that I can’t even begin to describe it, much less capture in a photo.

I’m grateful for a heart soft enough to still break after all I’ve seen, heard, and felt throughout this year.

I’m grateful for learning how to live out my beliefs in real and tangible ways in environments where I’m free to fail.

I’m grateful for the new skills I have learned like, dodging motos, yodeling, and monkey-proofing sliding glass doors.

I’m grateful for how every trial has shaped my character and built my perseverance.

I’m grateful for every person at home supporting me and praying for me.

I’m grateful for a God who does something when I cannot.

I’m grateful for a God who takes bad things, redeems them, and uses them for good.

I’m grateful for a God who goes before me, preparing my path and protecting me as I walk upon it.

I’m grateful for having truth in my heart that is worth trekking all over the world to share.

I’m grateful for being inspired and encouraged by my hosts, amazing men and women of God across the world.

I’m grateful for having more incredible stories and memories than I can recall.

I’m grateful for all the hands I’ve gotten to hold and all the hearts I’ve gotten to touch.

I’m grateful for all the hearts that have touched mine and changed the way I live and love.

I’m grateful for the relationships I have made that will last far beyond the grave.

I’m grateful for the ways my worldview has been wrecked and rebuilt again and again.

I’m grateful for a perspective that sees more than my safe, middle class American lifestyle could have allowed me to.

I’m grateful for every way the Lord has revealed more and more of Himself to me.

I’m grateful for my experiences with physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual healing.

I’m grateful for my encounters with the spiritual realm that have affirmed that what we see isn’t all there is.

I’m grateful for all I’ve had to let go of because the more I let go of, the more of God I can grab onto.

I’m grateful for every tear, every laugh, every mistake, and every success that has made this year what it is.

I’m grateful for the rest the Lord has given my heart, mind, and soul when I am weary.

I’m grateful for the ways God has honored and blessed my pursuit of Him and His kingdom.

 

 

I’m so grateful for my life, for this year, for the race and for every experience the Lord has blessed me with while on it.

 

This year has been the hardest, most exhausting, testing, frustrating, disheartening, eye-opening year of my life, but it’s all been worth it.

The lessons I’ve learned are priceless; the family I have gained is irreplaceable; and my understanding of my Creator and Savior is worth more than all the days of my life.

 

Saying “yes” to the things God has for you is worth it.

Committing to growing in Christ-centered community is worth it.

Dropping your plans to follow His is worth it.

Choosing less so God can give you more is worth it.

Deciding to love when you most want to hate is worth it.

Seeking Him above anything else is worth it.

 

It is so hard, but it is so worth it.

 

God has more for you than you could ever desire. He has better for you than you could ever imagine. Give Him your life, and He will give it back to you better. That’s what this year is about, and guess what…

 

It is worth it.

 

He is worth it.

 

But this isn’t just about this year, the Race, traveling, or mission trips. Giving your life to God is for everyone, everywhere, in every occupation and stage of life.

 

Two years ago I made a commitment to give my life to the Lord, and this is just the beginning. I’ve got my whole life to go, and I can’t wait.

 

—

 

“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” – Jesus (Mark 8:35-36)

 

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” – Jim Elliot (a missionary from Portland who was killed sharing the gospel to the people of Ecuador)