Lies

My people-

Man this world has messed me up.

I grew up in a Christian home with parents who constantly told me about God's crazy love for me but the world spoke louder.

My parents divorced when I was 8 but  always knew I was loved by my parents. What I didn't realize is that Satan crept a lie in that I wasn't lovable therefore my life has been revolved around people pleasing, being nice, working hard and doing the right things. When I hit high school I found myself turning to alcohol to cope with my inability to be perfect.

I always chose the "bad" guys. I convinced myself they were safe because there was no emotional commitment only physical, but they are one and the same. Even when I became a Christian I was told that I was pure and my past had been wiped clean but what I felt I deserved was based on my past. I had been bad and even if I did change my ways, what I felt I "deserved" became tainted.

I often prayed to Jesus but always prayed small prayers because I always looked to the world to give me hope and not God. I saw things the way they were. If you prayed small prayers and expected even those to probably not be answered, you couldn't get hurt. By doing this I was not walking in the authority or power I have in Jesus. It resulted in my labeling myself as "helpless" and a "victim."

I was recently talking to my Jesus and I asked him how I could be closer to him and his answer was clear and simple, "you are a realist and pessimist at the core of your heart and it is time to get rid of those mindsets because it is drastically affecting your ability to fully give me your all."

My lack of hope in Jesus and lack of self confidence were directly related to my twisted view of love.

I had seen my parents awesome love for me but was convinced I needed to earn it from them and others.

I was told that I deserved a man who treated me like a princess but believed I was unworthy of this love because of how men treated me in my life, resulting in me drastically lowering my standards.

I believed God's love was too good to be true because I looked to this world to show me what it looks like. I put my hope in this world, resulting in it being shattered and me deciding it was safer to put up walls than to risk vulnerability.

WHAT LIES!! God is hope. God is love. I am worthy. I am deserving. Throughout the race God has shown me the truth, exposing Satan and how he used experiences in my life to keep me from my true calling in life, to be loved.

When we focus on this world we are left hopeless and hurt. When we focus on God we realize that ANYTHING is possible and there is always a reason to believe in change. When we focus on this world we are left feeling inadequate. When we focus on God we realize we are completely loved and nothing in our past can change that. Literally, NOTHING.

I'm kicking realism and pessimism to the curb because they are not from the father, they are from this world. I am believing that heaven can be brought to earth. Although this world will never be perfect, for once I'm putting up a fight and saying kingdom can reign down. There is hope and people can change because I serve a mighty God where anything is possible.

Love, Ellie