Hello my people-
I like to work out and stay physically fit. I like to eat healthy therefore I limit what I eat at meals. I’ve never worked out more than once a day or had an “eating disorder” so I justified this behavior as normal, not acknowledging the unhealthy amount it truly consumed my mind.
I came on the World Race because I wanted to do good in this world. Leave a mark. Make a difference. Say I made it worthwhile. I never fully understood the grace of God, I knew it applied to others but was sure I messed up too much for it to apply to me.
Growing up, I’ve been sent the message my value lies in my physical appearance. Boys confirmed this. Media confirmed this. People confirm this unknowingly when we compliment each other solely on physical appearance.
I have an image in my head of a supermodel and everyday I lose, because my body still does not look like hers.
My past haunts me. Decisions I’ve made. I always thought “God is definitely disappointed in me, shaking his head in disgust from above.”
Tonight I cried. Tonight I understood grace.
My God was proud of me then and he is proud of me now. He did not “check out” while I was sinning then show back up when I decided I wanted him in my life. He was ALWAYS there. He was ALWAYS waiting. We equate God to our parents. If we tell him what we did, we will be scolded then punished so we avoid it. Hide it. Try to cover it up.
Tonight I realized God was there and God knows my past. Why do you think his son had to die? He sacrificed him for MY sin so it could no longer have a hold. Tonight I realized shame can no longer hold me down.
Tonight I realized guilt can no longer trap me. I can have a relationship and he sees me for what I can be, not who I am.
He does not need me to do missions to make up for my past. To prove to him that I am actually be “good” after all. To prove I am sorry for the past. No good can erase my past because my past has already been forgiven.
I don’t know what was different about tonight. I’ve heard I’m forgiven in church since I was born. I believed it for others but not for myself.
It took uncovering the lies in my life. Diving into the past. Confessing to God. Forgiving myself. Accepting his grace. Realizing his love and his sacrifice was for ME. He did it for me. He did it because he knew I would sin. He did it because he wants me.
I proclaim that my innocence is not lost. I proclaim that I am beautiful even if I gained 20 pounds, I’d still be loved. I proclaim that I could return home today from the world race and he would still be proud of me. I proclaim my value does not lie in the good I do, but comes from a place of understanding his love for me. I proclaim my value is internal and the external does not dictate my success in life. I proclaim he was proud of me then and he is proud of me now.
We hear things but that doesn’t mean they stay in our hearts. My lovely people know his truths are meant to to impact your heart, soul and mind, radically changing your life but this will only occur if you truly surrender to him. He is not a God of guilt and shame but of love and acceptance.
The lovely ladies of team Isha who shined truth into my life.
Your beautiful friend,
Ellie
