Burning Plans

Hello my people-

Have you ever been in a situation where your emotions overtake your body? An emotional breakthrough is happening to you in an environment you did not think would bring out these emotions; emotions you didn’t even know existed?
 
Before leaving for the World Race I did not grieve leaving America but was stoked for the journey to come. I knew I was leaving an amazing community behind in Lincoln. I hadn’t realized there was a plan formulated in my mind. There was a boy I wanted to date. A teaching career I wanted to pursue and was passionate about. An organization called Young Life I had been a part of for years and we had just gotten started at an amazing school and I already had a group of kids I was attached too. Not realizing it, the World Race wrecked my plan and even though I didn’t feel it at the time, it affected me drastically.
 
Yesterday, I had a break through in a Guatemala dump. While we were there to help the people, God used some rad ladies to help me in a situation I didn’t even know I was in, until that afternoon.
 
When I was in Honduras I didn’t get close to anyone but justified it by the large group of 53 people. My personality wasn’t alive and my energy wasn’t there. I often retreated to my tent for an early bedtime. I know all you people at home are thinking > weird, this is not the Ellie we know.
 
Here in Guatemala it was worse. I did my chores but otherwise sat back. I didn’t go above and beyond and I rarely put my opinion in. I wasn’t present. I wasn’t here. When my Grandpa became ill, my desire to be home was increased.
 
At the dump a conversation with the girls lead to a realization that brought me to tears, I wasn’t myself and I wasn’t giving it my all and I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to spend months on the race just to find myself fully diving in month 6. I wanted my personality back. I wanted my energy back. I wanted to care. I wanted to leave the community with a sense of sadness to be gone. I wanted to give it my all so when I left I would miss this place and it’s people.
 
I was bawling, literally a hot mess in the middle of a trash dump, looking back it seems like an appropriate place to deal with your emotions. I realized I hadn’t grieved leaving Lincoln and my “plan” behind. Grieved leaving my amazing community of friends where I felt like I had a home and a place. Grieved leaving my teaching career. Grieved leaving a dude that had potential and realizing God had other plans for him that didn’t include me. Grieved leaving Young Life and the leaders to continue their work at the school, something I so wanted to be a part of. Grieved leaving my Young Life kids and potential students I wanted to see graduate and move on to change the world. Grieve for what I was leaving.

 
This realization saved me from being absent on the race. This realization brought me back to life. Once I grieved and began to accept this is where the Lord has me and began to trust He made no mistake, I was able to be present. During church service my girl Brandi called me up to share this with the group. The tears continued to pour but healing took place. There is a drastic difference in my attitude. An ability to be present here, fully loving the kids, nannies and girls on both teams. I will miss this place but I know it is because I loved fully and did not hold back.
 
Now God is redefining my plan. This is what I’ve concluded there is no plan. My only priority is to love all day, everyday where I’m at and the Lord God will take care of the rest. He will take my desires, my dreams, my love for him and others and multiply it. Jeremiah 29:11 rings loud in my ears (classic).

 

Praise God for He knows what He is doing and a breakthrough can occur at any moment, even in a trash dump.
 
Here’s to burning plans,
Ellie