I’ve put an enormous amount of thought into this blog- I think I wanted to go in about a billion directions, but now I’m realizing that each idea came back to the same source. To put simply, I’m tired. I’m exhausted actually- and I think I’m learning that this is something more than acceptable to admit to ourselves. To admit to the world. We are not robots, we are not inanimate structures. We are constructed specifically to feel every intricate thing this universe throws at us.
Things I Know Are True: Your emotions are meant to be heard by God; Verbally, physically, mentally. I feel as if we have this misconception that if we share something personal with another human being, we’re now at a loss. They’ve now taken a piece of you that cannot be returned or forgotten. We can sometimes see this earth as a battlefield- we are so scared of opening up because “what if they use it against me later on??” The beauty and wonder of all these “what if’s” is that Jesus says the opposite. He refutes it! He demands!!
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I’ve been faced with more rejection the past couple months than I ever had in my entire existence. I’ve been called crazy, mentally ill, physically unable, incapable, unworthy, not enough. I’ve never wanted to crawl under a rock and hide myself so badly. I’ve never wanted to “not share” and stay silent so much that I can feel my eyes watering and my hands tremble as I type these words out. Yes, I am absolutely created to feel these things, but they don’t have to become the light to my path. I can choose to stand firm. I will stand firm.
A beautiful thing: Through the messiness of it all, I continue to hear Jesus’ voice, “No. Let them see you as you are. Do not run. Show the world what My Love can do. Show this world the beauty in the broken.” So, I continue to write, and I continue to pray for a heart that loves all things. People, places, anything and everything. I am learning that being worthy isn’t situational. It isn’t designed to be biased. It isn’t about who is more deserving or suitable for. You do not need to be considered equip by the earth when your heart belongs to the equipper of all things. You are equip by the armor of a giving God! Your qualifications do not measure the quality of what God can do through you. Learning that I’m worth more than a word, an accusation, a false implication.
Luke 12:6-7
“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
Colossians 3:12-14
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
Some transparency: I currently have $-6 in my account because while purchasing mission trip gear, I had miscounted the costs. I’m still without more than half of what I need in regards to supplies, equipment, and donations. I am still barely making deadlines. I am exhausted. I struggle to let myself breath a breath of genuine peace and rest.
But I will continue to praise Jesus for His works, His grace, His faithfulness throughout this journey. I have been shown compassion beyond measure through complete strangers who’ve become instant family. I have seen signs of Jesus’ promises through words, things, places, situations that I cannot even begin to explain because I feel as though I don’t have the appropriate words. The Lord has healed the darkest parts of my heart- the most painful depths of my soul- places I never thought I could come back from. This is a God that walks alongside me, continues to prepare me for purpose beyond my mind’s comprehension.
I cannot maximize the hurts of a path specifically designed for me without minimizing His blessings. I pray for a heart that never minimizes the beauty of the hardships. The author of a story worth reading will always include the championship of obstacles! I have lost people I love because I love Jesus. I have been told I am ridiculous. Recently heard these words in a sermon, “people will always call you ridiculous when being called to a path that is not constructed for them. God calls us to ridiculous circumstances. They will call you ridiculous until you make that ridiculousness a reality.”
I am completely convinced that there is more to this life than we’ve been told. Revival is on the rise. He is my Hope. There is joy in these growing pains.
