Where to begin. Right now I am sitting in Gainesville, GA at Training Camp. We have one more full day left to finish our 10 day adventure. I hesitate to use the word finish though, as this is just the beginning. How about, one more day until the prologue is written and I prepare for chapter 1.
There is so much to process in such a short time; definitely a packed week. I have seen the Lord work in so many ways, ways that I’m not even sure of. To watch Him work in the hearts of my 120 other teammates (new family) has been an honor. Those who know me well know that I am an observer. When you see me off to the side or in the back it doesn’t mean something is wrong, that’s me taking it all in. I did a lot of that this week…A LOT! I spent so much time watching others that I didn’t know if anything was really happening in me. God was just preparing me for the work He was to do in me.
On day 5 is when I really had my heart-to-heart with the Lord…or He had one with me. That was the day that I understood what was needing to happen in me before I could truly bond with my team and draw closer to God to do His work. I was forced to come face-to-face with an issue that I was very aware about but ignoring acting upon. The Lord brought to my attention the walls that I had built up in my life. When I was crushed emotionally 6 years ago I put up very thick and high walls. Human instinct to protect from being hurt again, right? Well yes, but there’s something about building up walls to keep out the bad…they also keep out the good. For so many years I have done my best to keep people at arms length. If I don’t let them get close to me then they can’t reach my heart to be able to hurt it. That was my logic. So as I sat among 120 other amazing men and women of Christ wondering why it seemed that the Lord was working in so many of them and I wasn’t really feeling much at all I prayed about that. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would come and speak to me and fill me and draw close to me. I wanted to want, but I wasn’t really sure why I couldn’t .
Our God is an awesome God who cares for His children and for the cries of their hearts. I began to hear from the Lord, and He helped me to come to fact with the issue of my walls. He showed me the people in my life who were so dear to me, those that loved me but whom I struggled to feel the same way about. Some were new to my life and others had been there for a long time and I was just making it work to show I cared about them. I wasn’t satisfied with that. I want to be able to let people in, to let them love me and let myself love them. This was something that couldn’t happen if I stayed hidden in my little shelter I had built for myself.
God broke me right then and there to surrender to His will. I prayed (with tears and snot running everywhere) that the Lord would help me with strength to tear down my walls. That He would come in and help me with the cleanup that would be needed. Someone asked me if I was sure I was ready, that it meant that I could get hurt again. I know that God is right here with me to help. If I get hurt, and we all will at different times in our lives, He is right there with us. He will cry with us and be there to embrace us and hold our hands as we find our way back onto our feet, and if needed, to pick us up and carry us for a way.
I am so grateful for my experience here, for my new brothers and sisters who will travel with me throughout next year. I pray thanks for the 5 women who are on my small team family, my core sisters who will see the best and worst of me over the next many months. The Lord has done, is doing, and will continue to do amazing things in and through me…AND I AM SO EXCITED!
