I’m going to start by quoting the great theologian, Elvis; “Well my hands are shaking an my knees are weak, I can’t seam to stand on my own two feet. Why do you thank when you have such luck, I’m in love. I’m all shook up.” That’s pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling since arriving in the Dominican Republic, okay well maybe not that last part but certainly the first.
My first week or so in the Dominican in a few words would be these. Dogs, dirt, and a hospital. Let’s start with the easiest word for me to talk about, DOGS! This month my squad has been blessed to be staying with host that has four amazing dogs! Oso, the brave guard dog, that I tragically cannot pet, but he’s doing a very good job. Sandy and Chiquito, the great herding chihuahuas of Hope mountain, so far I’ve seen them tackle, goats, chickens, ducks, and cows. And not to mention they’re insanely sweet and the best chihuahuas I’ve ever meet. And of course sweet sunny, still a puppy, but the way she looks and her spirit remind my of my own sweet puppy, Timber, that I sadly couldn’t bring along as our emotional support/ministry dog. Having dogs here was such a blessing to our squad, the hardest thing for me to leave behind was Timber, so having them here is just a symbol of Gods provision. It may sound silly to put so much value in there being Dogs here but to me it meant so much more. I felt like it was a symbol of how God see our hearts and the things we don’t even know we need, and He is gracious to provide those things for us regardless of anything we could do to deserve it, or how big or small it may be.
Which brings me to, Dirt, the next word of the week! This month is a lot about building up our host and serving them well so that they can continue to serve this community to the their full capacity. So we’ve been doing a lot of work around their property, which has included a day that we were digging up dirt, filling buckets, and carrying those buckets up a hill and dumping the dirt there. Over and over and over again, the digging and the dirt, it’s unexpectedly exhausting, and I guess it once again became symbolic for me. The way that when we are looking at just what is in front of us at the time it seams like no progress or impact is being made and it can be difficult to keep working hard when we can’t see the impact. In the end, though progress is made when we look back to what we started with; but when we are in situations like that, we have have to maintain our integrity and our perseverance till the end. I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity and the number of things I could get away without doing or doing halfway but what keeps me grounded to doing the best I my ability is my regard for integrity and how it’s a quality I highly value and want to discipline in my own life. To do things well because I really do believe that anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
And here we are at the last word of the week, Hospital! So apparently overdoing activity while under doing water, food, and rest can apparently end in consequences or something, who knew?! I arrived in the DR already dehydrated, to the point of almost fainting at our first meal with our host for the month and so from there I was attempting to drink enough water to rehydrate and keep up with all the water I needed for this climate and work. So I ended up feeling horrible, unable to get up, feeling so cold even though it’s quite the opposite, and unable to digest food because I was so far gone I just couldn’t catch up. So, after a few days of getting worse off to the hospital we went! And once again here was God teaching me something, as I sat there alone in a foreign hospital with an iv in my arm and few people who could speak my language.
For months, if not years, I have been overworking, ignoring my body and my soul, trusting my ability to persevere more than I was trusting Gods ability to heal. My heart had retreated behind its walls and in its place was a desperate need to prove myself, sometimes in the wrong places in my life. I was striving for impossible standards no one set for me, I was ignoring my body and spirit to prove to some nonexistent person that I was the hardest worker and I could do The Most and win life. I wanted to say yes to so many things in one area of my life that by saying yes to them I was automatically saying no to important things in other parts of my life. I kept saying yes and overextending myself hoping that it would make me feel loved by people I don’t care about and so people who aren’t me think think I’m doing the best job ever. The love I wanted couldn’t be found there, instead I just found resentment and frustration for life I’d built around myself and the people I kept saying yes to. So when I was unable to get out of bed and participate in the things my team was going at first I felt frustrated, at myself, at god, at my situation. Then, I had to figure out why I was so upset and spiraling emotionally just because I was sick. I came to the conclusion that I was placing so much value in what I could do and how I could be the best and do the most, instead of God. And I recognized this pattern in my life where I bleed myself dry in certain areas to feel worth and work so hard and do so much so I don’t have to slow down and hear my thoughts. And man, slowing down, my thoughts had a lot to say, I thought my mouth was the chatty one but apparently it has a blabbing brain to match!
I learned that I have a capacity that I can give and it’s my choice what I give my energy to, and I need to be realist about what I can and can’t do and give. But that that will free me up to love my life, to love the things I give to people because I’m giving them freely, without expectation or resentment, and I won’t be using my work or my obligations or friends as a way to run or a way to get love and approval. And that the measure in which I’m loved and my approval doesn’t come from the outside or what I can do, but I comes from an intimate relationship with God, and seeking what He says about who I am and I want Him to remain at the center, for these next 11 months and beyond it, I want Him to be at the core of who I am and who I believe myself to be. And to quote one of my first loves, the Backstreet Boys, “You are my fire, the one desire, believe when I say I want it that way.” That’s the relationship I want with God, yep, a Backstreet Boys song.
