When we were being briefed for Pattaya, we were told that their is a strong spirit of lust here. That we needed to be on guard and have accountability partners in this area. So I came in prepared to deal with that. What I was not prepared for was an overwhelming painful feeling of loneliness and depression. I came into Pattaya a reasonably emotional stable person, and two nights later I found myself in a ball on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out for no reason except that I was so sad,I wanted to die. One night I couldn’t keep my tears silents, and one of my teammates came running down the stairs worried that someone was hurting me.
So after a week of this, I went to Bangkok to have some space. I had a great time in Bangkok. I was able to cry out the pain of homesickness. I was able to cry out feelings of inadequacy. I was able to pray and read, and talk to encouraging people. It was good to be able to spend some time alone to process.
So now I’m back in Pattaya, and while I know that everything is OK, I find myself struggling like I did when I first got here.
I don’t claim to know much about spiritual warfare, but I have been surprised on the World Race to find that in certain cities and countries you can sense the spiritual atmosphere. When I say sense, I’m not talking about the obvious that you can see: bars, prostitutes, statue worship. When I say sense, I mean you can literally feel the battle raging around you. I can feel the loneliness, isolation, worthlessness, and depression.
These feelings take me back to a couple of years ago when I lived under the dark umbrella of depression. When I hopelessly believed that I was worthless, and their was no reason to live.
I don’t live under that umbrella any more, the truth that Jesus dies for me has set me free to live like the new creation that I am.
But I have been struggling, and some nights it takes every tear in my body to be able to proclaim the truth.
