A year of growth.
Last April at training camp, I had a lot going through my mind. I was with a lot of amazing people who were all so excited to be serving the Lord, but I was telling the Lord that I wasn’t even sure that He loved me.
During one training session, I was asking the Lord to free me (I don’t really remember from what, probably everything) when Jenny (team awaken) came up at put her hand on my back. She said that the Lord had given her a picture of me and my past. She said that I had been walking with a friend in a field, and we were laughing and having a good time, and I felt so beautiful. Then I went on ahead, and I was laughing and playing and twirling, and I turned around to see if my friend was watching me, but when I turned around my friend was looking at something else like the grass, something a lot less important. She said that ever since then I had stopped turning around to see if anyone was watching me. I even stopped turning to see if the Lord was looking at me. She said that the Lord told her to tell me, that He was there that day. He was watching me. He saw what happened, and He is still watching me. She prayed, ” Lord you have shown me that you are with her, now show her.” Then she walked away, and I sat there and wept. One: I didn’t know this girl yet, so I didn’t understand how she knew this about me. Two: I didn’t believe that the Lord loved me enough to send someone to me to tell me that He saw me.
This year has been an ongoing process of believing and receiving the Lord’s love.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I run from you? If I go up to the Heavens you are there. If I lie in a grave you are there.”- Psalm 139:7-8
In the last couple years of my life, this has become one of my favorite verses. Because it says, “if I lie in a grave you are there.” There have been many times when I have wanted to be in a grave. There have been many times when figuratively speaking I have tried to dig my own grave, but even then the Lord has been with me.
“If I say “The darkness will hide me. Let the light around me turn to night. But even the darkness is not dark to you. The night is as light as the day. Darkness and light are as same to you.” (Psalm 139:11-12)
Even in what appears to be darkness to me, the Lord see clearly.
Today at church, the Pastor called people up for prayer if they were sick physically or emotionally. While the people asking for prayer were at the front of the church, the Lord showed me a lady, and asked me to go tell her that He loved her, and that He saw her standing up there, and that He was going to work in her life. One, I thought that I must have made up these crazy thoughts. Two, I was feeling insecure about my Spanish. Three: who walks up to strangers to say things like that? I eventually stopped her in the isle with a blocking hug, and told her these things. But this message for her made me realize that for the first time in my life, I believe that the Lord sees me wherever I am. I really believe in my heart that He is with me, and will never leave me. I have known / heard this in my head for years, but now in my heart I believe.
This made me praise the Lord because He is the one who has healed my heart. It is because He is working in my life that I believe Him. It is because of His love that I trust Him.
