This blog is about the team changes that happened recently and how I feltfeel about them.
The squad gathered for a week at a resort in the mountains where we had a debrief of the last 4 months and where we switched up teams. We were told that this debrief was supposed to be a time to rest. Well, I left debrief more stressed and anxious and frustrated than when I came.
For team changes, everyone was given a piece of paper with a different snack drawn on it and when our mentor said ‘amen’ after the prayer, we could look at it and find our new team. I looked at the tiny paper in my hand and saw a bag of potato chips. I started looking around for anyone else with potato chips, and found HannahMarie. She said,
“Let’s go, teammate!”
So, we walked around the ampitheatre to find others and we found Ximmy, Bailea and finally Alyssa H. and our team leader Chloe.
I won’t lie. I wasn’t happy. We had a team meeting and talked about how we felt and got a team name (Tenacious). Everyone said how they were feeling and what their initial thoughts were. When it got to me, I told the girls that I wasn’t happy and I didn’t like it. I didn’t, and still don’t, want to be on this team. They are young, which puts a lot stress on me (being at least 2 years older). They are always loud and always energetic, which overwhelms me and shuts me down. And some personalities on the team don’t work with mine and those people annoy me.
When that was all said and done, I went to my room and cried. I didn’t know if I would survive with these kids and how outgoing and energetic they are. And to add to my frustration and desperation, everyone else seemed SUPER happy about their teams. Paul and Robbie are together on the first all guys team, Anna is surrounded by some of her people on an all girls team and Tucker is with some if the most creative, eccentric and inclusive people on the squad. I’m happy for all of them and I know they’re flourishing on their teams. But I was struggling. I needed to be alone, but there was team activities that needed to be done as a team. So, I was forced to interact until I could go back to my room and cry some more. Which cry some more I did.
That night at supper, our squad mentor, Sam, leaned over and asked me how I was doing. And I broke down. I told her everything and how I could feel the wrinkles and gray hair coming in already. She told me some of why they put me on this team, (maturity, structure, and a different perspective) and that gave me something to think and pray about. I resigned myself to a difficult season ahead.
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Jump forward a few weeks! I’m living with these girls and another all girls team, and nothing has really changed. I feel overwhelmed and stressed and I still think wrinkles are coming in. I didn’t know how I fit into this team, especially when I feel like I connect better with the other team. There didn’t seem to be a place for me. They could have moved on in ministry and life and have no difference without me. I could see I wasn’t moving forward or backward. I knew I needed more time with Jesus on this matter, so I spent more time.
At church on Sunday morning, a verse caught my eye as I was flipping through my bible to get to the verse for the sermon (This was a Jesus thing, I know it). It was the book of Romans chapter 8 (Basically the entirety of chapter 8).
Verse 18 says, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
Verse 31 says, “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”
Verse 35 says, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?”
Verse 9 says, “You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ.”
Christ is in me, Christ is for me, I know these things. So, what can be against me? All my sufferings cannot compare to the the glory that has yet to be revealed in me. So, how do I move forward? There’s a lot that goes into consideration when thinking about that. I am not super energetic like the other girls, and constantly being in a big group will always exclude someone. One-on-one’s seemed like the best thing to do. Pick a new person every day and check in with them. This gives me the perfect opportunity to sit down with everyone and get to know what they are struggling with, what the Lord is teaching them, how I can encourage them, how I can help and celebrate them in their journey with the Lord and making sure everyone is included.
This isn’t an easy journey, and I anticipate many more nights of tears and the feeling of helplessness. But, they are fleeting moments because God is with me and He has a good plan. And I know that His hand is in everything I do.
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As always I appreciate prayers while on this journey. Thank you and may God bless you all!
