Things you shouldn’t say on the Race:
“Hey, I was thinking about how we only have 4 months left. I only have 4 months left to live totally crazy! Packing up this time should be simple. I sent some stuff home and I mean, all I really need for Asia is my passport, right?”
This was the conversation that I had with a squadmate the day before my camera bag, camera, iPad, speakers, check card, and (brace yourself) purple twinkle lights were stolen from the church where we were hosting month 7 debrief. This is not a story about how everything is ok or how it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, and it kind of sucks. I really like taking pictures and I really like reading and and I really like my tiny green backpacker-proof sound system and I REALLY like making my space cozy with my battery operated twinkle lights that I have carried for 7 months. This is not a story about how I think God had my things stolen on purpose. Stealing is a sin. God and sin are separate. This is a story about how our God is taking something bad and using it as a reminder of His deliverance and freedom in my life.
When I first felt a pull to go on the Race I had just started taking anxiety medication. Anyone who knew me growing up is not surprised by this. My childhood was safe and filled with love, affirmation, and Christian community – and riddled with anxiety. I couldn’t ride elevators – I might get stuck forever and starve and my family would be heartbroken and all hope would be gone. I couldn’t lock a bathroom door – well, for the same reasons as the elevator. If a parent said they would be back at 6:00 pm and the clock struck 6:02 and I hadn’t heard the garage door go up, the panic would start to rise instead. When my mom would call the name of one of my brothers and they didn’t immediately respond I assumed that they were lost or injured or somehow had just disappeared of the face of the planet. I tried to escape my fears quite literally by putting in headphones and covering my head with a pillow so that I couldn’t tell if someone was still “missing” or not. As cellphones became a more practical thing I would call unceasingly until I knew what was keeping my loved one away from where I expected them to be. Sometimes I would leave home and go to a friend’s house so that I remained “unaware” if someone was in danger. I talked to lots of Christian counselors who had cool aquariums, had me draw pictures of my family, and fed me bran muffins, but that’s about all I remember.
I guess we must have decided that I would eventually grow out of it, and in some ways it appeared to work that way. I learned the advantages of locking bathroom doors and that people rarely got trapped in elevators for all of eternity. These revelations, however, did not change my out-of-control feelings or fear of the unknown. I just learned to cover it up or escape it in less obvious ways. I was walking with the Lord, but not allowing Him to have control of all areas of my life. Anxiety was subtly present in every aspect of my life – in my role in ministry, my relationships with men, my openness to the Lord’s calling – all of it.
So, when I started reading blogs about the Race I had very mixed emotions. On one hand, it was everything I had ever dreamed of and described the life that I wanted to be able to handle. On the other, how could the girl who couldn’t ride elevators get on enough airplanes to get her to 11 countries and back? How would my family and friends survive if I wasn’t there to make sure they were alive? I vividly remember reading a blog where a racer wrote about how someone had broken into their hostel dorm and stolen camera bags and laptops. There was no way. I hadn’t even applied yet and I remember thinking, “What would I do without my camera? How will I ever sleep if I know there are bad guys out there somewhere? STRANGER DANGER!” On a deeper level, I felt inadequate and unworthy. Certainly the Lord knew that this adventure was not something I could handle. He had plenty of strong, independent, ambitious people out there that could do this better. Was He SURE that this is what He wanted?
As I kept pulling back, the Lord kept pushing me forward. From day 1 of training camp He began prying off those layers of fear and insecurity. He reminded me that He DID know that I couldn’t do this – which was exactly where I needed to be. I have gone all year without a single anxiety attack. I am not yet fully-funded, and I have no worries that the Lord will not provide. I have no idea what is next, and I am at peace. I don’t even know what next week will look like, but I know that it will continue to be the path that the Lord has laid out for me.
It’s times like this – when I am reading over what I wrote about having things stolen, just like the blog I read that almost scared me away- that I am reminded so clearly that God is bigger than my biggest fears. He is bigger than closed countries, bigger than stranger danger. He is bigger than anxiety, bigger than depression. He is bigger than the baggage that we carry. (He is bigger than the literal bags that we carry, too, which is almost just as amazing.) He is bigger than bad guys, bigger than the bad things that happen to us. The Lord cares about our fears and wants to deliver us from that anxiety. There is freedom in the realization that He knows we can’t do it on our own. This is as true for us when we are praying for our children’s first day of school as it is when we are praying for a nation. Hand your fear over to Him. He will take it all.
Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Luke 12:24-34
FUNDRAISING UPDATE: I am 92.78% funded!!! That only leaves about $1,000 left to go! To help me get to our last 3 countries, click the “support” tab on the left. Thank you for your constant support of this journey!
