Back in Honduras I was reading Scary Close by Donald Miller, I highly recommend it! Something that I learned from it was that I have this inner need to control people. I think I’ve always known but of course being human I didn’t want to acknowledge it because that makes it all the more real. My need to control people wasn’t coming from a place for it to benefit myself but from a place where I believe people have potential. I have always been a person that enjoys speaking worth into people, especially in places where they might not see it.
What I’ve realized on the race is that me constantly telling people their potential doesn’t make them realize it. I get so caught up in my own frustration and that they can’t see the potential in themselves that I come off as being judge mental. Ive been sitting here trying to drill people’s self worth into their brains, when what I should be doing is giving it to The Father. Our Father is the only one we need to learn to depend on and the things He says about who we are. Then we can start to believe it ourselves.
Peoples potential affects me so much because I’ve been that person. I’ve been fed a lie that I can’t do certain things because of the circumstances that have been handed to me. This control comes from a place of fear and that fear is becoming like my earthly father. Someone who used manipulation to get what he wants in life. Growing up I was constantly afraid to disagree with him or challenge his authority. Being a child I constantly wanted to be rebellious and stand up for myself so I didn’t have to submit to him.
This fear comes from statistics that I will most likely become him because they say that when you are abused you will most likely become an abuser. I’m sick of being compared to a statistic and that I cant change and that its apart of me. Why do circumstances have to define me? Just because I’ve been raised a certain way doesn’t mean the cycle has to continue on in the way I treat people or the way I’ll raise my future kids. The same is true for me, even though others have told me how to feel about my self worth doesn’t mean I have to tell others how they should feel about their self worth.
My sin might be bad but it surly doesn’t define me and neither do my failures. I’m not going to lie this race has been hard. Feedback has by far been the hardest thing to get used to. It’s a learning process to receive it and to receive it well. It was hard for me because the feedback I was being given were all things that were characteristics of my dad; defensive, always trying to justify circumstances and tone. That stuff hurt and it struck me to my core. It had me sitting there thinking, “awesome these are the last things that I want to hear. You all don’t know me? Clearly if you think I’m defensive you haven’t seen how bad my brothers can get!”
Looking back at all of these thoughts seriously makes me laugh out loud so hard to where my stomach aches! The women on my first team (shoutout to you flood sisters) LOVE ME and they KNOW ME, almost as much as my own mother, which says a lot! These women are calling me to a higher standard and to be the woman of God that I can be. Something Donald Miller said in Scary Close really resonated with me:
“I’d have to trust my flaws were the the ways through which I would receive grace. We don’t think of our flaws as the glue that binds us to the people we love, but they are. Grace only sticks to our imperfections. Those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either”
I don’t know about you but this is me. It’s so difficult for me to extend grace to myself. Even though the race has been hard for me, I’ve never experiences so much peace in my life. The pressures from home aren’t always springing up unexpectedly. I as a human being who has been hurt by someone who is suppose to be your protecter have trust issues. But I’m willing to risk it for the biscuit, which is love. I’m willing to be hurt occasionally and turn the other cheek in order to have healthy relationships. I want to dive into the unknown, into the real dangers but receive mostly rewards. I’m flawed but that’s okay, but I’d rather show that then rob myself of an actually intimate relationship.
I don’t want to control others stories because of my fear. I can’t fix people, only the Father can. Who am I to take that away from Him? Getting rid of old habits is hard. It’s like rewiring my 23 year old brain. As difficult as it is, I’m thankful it’s happening now. Love doesn’t control and I must give it up in order to love. Instead of controlling I want to speak truth, not just truth, but truth in grace. I want to believe in love so deeply and I don’t want to shy away from who I am, what I’ve done or who people have told me I am.
I want to fully live.
