Living in constant community with legit Christians is pretty sick. In the world race culture, you are NEVER alone. You might get a room in the house where you can escape but you can’t walk around in your mess without someone noticing and trying to get it out of you. You hold onto nothing. You become tired and worn out by trying to do what you used to do when you going through stuff. For me, it was shutting down. When any other emotion but happiness/joy came, I suppressed and went numb.
I went completely numb. I never let anyone in so there was no one to notice my crap and to call me out on it. I felt like I had no one to hold me accountable but I made it that way. I built a wall and it was strong wall. I thought I let God break it down but I only let him have some of it and then I would just build it right back up. The thing is that half the time, when I was going through something and people try to crack the wall but I didn’t allow it. I couldn’t because I could let people share their mess with me and I would listen. Maybe give some advice but I didn’t feel important. I felt like my past hurts would all come falling out on whoever decided to stay around. Every time I got close to cracking, they’d leave and be gone. Our relationship would consist of emails, facebook chat, and skype. I only started skyping this past year. It is hard to show emotion on text. It really wasn’t about if someone would stay to listen, it was that I didn’t even know what had happened to me in the past. Because when I suppressed feelings, I suppressed the memories and thoughts as well.
I apologize for my feelings all the time. Having feelings seem like baggage. Stuff I don’t want to carry but I have ended up carrying so much other baggage but not feelings. I’m tired of carrying baggage. I want freedom. I want to be able to express myself.
So what happens when you let God have all of you?
All of your time.
All of your thoughts.
All of your emotions.
All of your heart.
All of the people in your life.
Your job.
Your money.
Your education.
Your relationships.
I’m not entirely sure of the answer but I trust what God has for me is far better than I could ever dream or try to do. He has already some crazy things in my life in the past four and half months while on this race. I know there has to be more for me to learn and for God to show me.
But for God to show me these things, I need to be able to keep going and to stay on this race. I am still in need of support. My next deadline is March 1st and I am in need of $4,500. If I don't have this money in my account, I will have to go home. Please pray about supporting me finanically. i know some of you have said that you would like to put money into my bank account so if you would still like to, please email me. My email address is [email protected]
