It happened. It might have only been for a minute or two but I can’t deny that it happened. I can’t ignore it. I can’t go back to my old ways and bury it then become numb. I have to acknowledge it. I should try to process it.
I was on the ferry to Penang when it first happened this month. You see, it has happened before. 5 months ago and a couple of times over the past few years. I couldn’t recall why it happened. I couldn’t firgure out what caused it.
When it is over, most times I don’t think about it again for a good while. But ever since this one, I can’t stop trying to process it. Not in a bad way though, just trying to work through it.
Okay, I need to start calling it by it’s name. I had a suicidal thought. It left as quickly as it came. The thought before that was I want to jump and swim until I could go no more because I knew it would help. I absolutely love swimming.
Then the thought creeped in. It was that ‘what if I just jump in, sink, and never come back up?”
One weird thing about this time is that depression didn’t accompany it. Yeah, I was a little sad but more frustrated about something small. Not enough to cause severe depression or a suicidal thought.
While on the race, I’ve become more open and vunerable with the people around me. I was able to recognize that this was wrong and would not be a good decision. I prayed to God and He spoke some truths over me.
On the walk to our house for these three weeks, Jessica who is my team leader asked me how I was doing. I decided to honest, real honest and I told I had suicidal thought.
She didn’t know what to do which is understandable. She tried figuring out what to do, I tried to explained how I usually deal/cope when I have these thoughts. I couldn’t though because I had never let anyone in when I had these thoughts. Before the race, I pushed the thoughts and feelings down and became numb.
I didn’t know how to cope. All I knew I would do to help was pray and continue to read Psalms.
I know I should seek counseling but what does that look like? Bringing up every hurt and struggle from the past few years. I don’t think so! Doesn’t sound fun at all. God had started working on helping me process through some of the events, mainly the day of my dad’s stroke and the time that followed that.
The thing is I’ve spent time in the Word consistently almost every day this year and through that, letting God reveal His glory and majesty. There is still more that I don’t know. Then God activated my voice this year and in letting Him do that, he has blessed me with words or pictures for people as well as for me.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to end this for a couple of days. I’ve been debating on if this was a chance for me to get stuff out. I do have a journel and I do process a lot in there but I want to share just a little about how I’ve been doing spiritually, mentally, and emotionally this month. It’s deep but it isn’t all the details.
I did it different this time. I didn’t internally process it, try to deal with it myself then finally go find someone. The last part took me a while to actually do in the past. I might have just had a little bit of a trust issue. God has walked me through what community looks like. This community has become family. I can’t just leave the table messy, I have to stay and work through the hard times and the messy times. I am not in the closet on this one. I shared what was going on with me while I was in the mess for the first time.
Thank you A squad family for walking through the mess even when I tried to fight to stay. When I fight to return to my old ways. You fight for me. You check up on me. You care for me. You love me. You are prayer warriors. A sister on E squad that I got to spend a month with in Thailand wrote in her blog that it seems like you are married to your team. You should seriously check it out: http://helenajordao.theworldrace.org/?filename=youre-practically-my-husband Honestly, A squad, you the best!
