I somehow missed the memo that said community is a big part of the world race. It would not have to stopped me from applying, I would have started mentally and emotionally preparing for the hurt, the loneliness, and all the other feelings I have felt in other communities I have been part of in my life. I am glad God spared me of that detail because I wouldn't have let myself process what was said the first three days in those sessions. I would have made it a point to not try to open and tell parts of my story to whoever would listen. I wouldn't have had several people tell me the same thing. That I need to ask for fogiveness from the communities that I have been a part of here in Tupelo.
God had me rely only on him these past 7 months so that He could show me what a community, a family is supposed to look like. To show me what I have been missing. To show me I am made for more, that He isn't done with me. That He is still molding me. I still have to surrender all of me each day so that I can let God use me for His glory.
I didn't realize that until this past week, I interact as little as possible with the group I am with when on a mission trip. I go and do what is needed of me. What is expected of me. I never thought I would need to find my voice. I take forever to eat because I talk so much or I thought I did. I only do that when I feel comfortable with someone.
A lot of people ask if I will go back to school when I come back. I can't answer that question right now and the answer will probably change many times over the next year. Did I waste the past three years of my life to try to get a degree to fulfill the "American" dream that was never mine in the first place to only to have two years [maybe not even that many] of credit and end up being on academic suspension? Did I put myself in unnessary debt? Did I try time and time again to find happiness in someone else other than God? Did I drink to escape? Did I smoke to deal with the anxiety and stress? Yes is the answer to most of these and maybe all of them. I want to say yes to wasting my time and unnessary debt but God might give the determination to finish school after this race so I can't just throw out the idea of a degree.
Family and church memebers who read this and have found out a few new things about me, please try to understand where I am at or where I was. I am not perfect. I am trying to be like Jesus but sin can be so tempting. The idea of being able to forget all of the lies I let myself believe for so long traped me. I was tired of going to church and letting myself think that noone noticed me. That no one wanted to love me. To go to family gatherings and feel the same thing. To just live life because sucide is a permant solution for a temporary problem. To drink and smoke because it was at the places where I hung out with my friends. It seemed like I had a high tolerance and never did anything stupid so I just kept on. I knew I had the strength to not become addicted until one day when everything was going wrong and the party is what I was looking foward to so that I could drink the problems away. Where I just wanted my friend to come because he had the weed. Where I, being pretty tipsy at this point, got in a car with a complete stranger and smoked because I knew it would block my thoughts.
I didn't turn to God first when all I needed was to speak out to Him. When all I needed to was to be in His Word. When I could of just wrote it all out or talked to someone. When I could of just let go of the lies.
