Love casts out fear.
Fear. Something I thought I didn’t struggle with, I was wrong. I lived in the camp of fear disguised as being a great friend, wanting to help my family, being the best employee and knowing the answers. I wanted control of my surroundings.
Realistically I was just so fearful of not having all my stuff together. Afraid of losing friends to other people. Not being needed in my family and someone advancing ahead of me at work.
When I signed up for the race, I was excited about not having “control” of my surroundings. I was excited that I wouldn’t know what I was doing month to month because things could change so quickly. Our contact could change, the country could be unsafe, I might get a team change or simply not know the answer all the time. I was ready to grow in this.
I wasn’t ready to admit I was fearful though. I was glad not to have responsibilities, time away from schedules and time to grow as my own outside of my family.
Now, get me I wasn’t growing out of this in Romania in my first month. I was keeping most relationships on the race at arms length so they couldn’t know me well enough and didn’t see my weaknesses or my crap. Now fast forward to month two in Moldova. Alone with my team.
Team Sojourner together as 8 people who didn’t know anything about each other, other then the surface stuff started the process of making our team our new “family”. In the midst of all of that we began to Love one another as brothers and sisters.
We picked on one another with love behind it. I’m from the Midwest and apparently I have an accent. Did I realize this before now, no. Midwesterns we’re the norm…if you ask me. J But I say coffee, milk, mom and deck ‘em differently then others. We started to have fun with one another and break down walls. Trust me it wasn’t always fun. There were tears and sometimes the nasty silence in between the “thank you’s” after receiving feedback.
We started to love one another and see greatness behind the crap. My crap was starting to show. I didn’t want it to show but when digging deeper with one another it starts to pop up. My crap was showing as questions, offering of shopping each time or making dinner. Sure I love cooking and shopping for groceries at home but this was just a cover for me wanting to control things. Hide my fear behind control. It wasn’t going unnoticed by the people who where learning to love me. I was oblivious but they weren’t. Thank God.
We as team mates get to have one on ones with our Team leaders, Mine is Ben. A brother I sometimes wish I didn’t meet because he sees my crap, but he is gracious and kind to me even in my darkest moments. We scheduled our one on one over coffee and dessert. Fun times if you ask me. It started with the safe questions of “How are you feeling, how are you coping with being away from family, and how can we love you better, Liz?”. After covering the fluff stuff Ben, dropped the bomb of “Liz, do you know you’re living out of Fear?’. Now mind you it wasn’t said quite like that it was worded differently and truthfully I can’t remember the exact words.
I do remember crying and thinking how foolish I was to think all this time that my need for “control” wasn’t driven by fear. Fear that started to creep into so many deeper wounds. My self worth, my settling because I didn’t think I was worth more or even making myself irreplaceable because I needed to be needed.
I realized I wasn’t living in Love as I thought I was. I wasn’t loving my family by letting them love one another by letting my sisters dig deeper into their relationship together, because I wanted to be the “favorite sister” when realistically they need each other more then I need to be the favorite. I wasn’t loving my coworkers when they advanced, I was upset and thought I deserved it. I wasn’t celebrating with my friends as we all grew closer together as a whole, I was missing our one on one time. I was more fearful of not being the favorite, the one with a 10 cent raise or the “best” friend to my already best friend.
I was letting my lies of not being worth enough, not knowing all the answers or being replaceable really drive me and then in return driving out love. I am loved by my friends, I am a sister who can’t be replaced by the other and I’m the employee that is needed. My friends, family and coworkers see my greatness but I was so fearful that I couldn’t see it.
Now walking out of fear and living a fearless life is hard. There are times I want to doubt my self worth or really wish I could control how the day is going. I can’t on this race and it’s so worth it. My want for control isn’t offered in this setting. But my need for Christ is evident more and more. I am needed, worthy and irreplaceable in Christ’s eyes. Knowing he loves me and has more for me. I need to love like Christ loves and love my friends, family and coworkers do. Knowing that loving isn’t how I would love but loving how Christ loves. Seeing greatness behind the crap, calling it out and reminding each other of this along the way.
Don’t let fear hide behind control, not being enough or thinking someone will replace you. You’re loved and that love is True love and it casts out fear. Let Christ bring the best out of you. I am.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18
