Here’s a blog to vulnerability and authenticity….
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On March 14th 2011 at 11:45pm I stood in a customs line, waiting to hand over my passport to the dark skinned official behind the counter. I have been in this place countless times before; passport, Visa money, and reason for entrance paperwork in hand. But tonight was different for me, real different.
Minutes before, we where in a plane. Before we even hit the ground, a smell like I had never encountered, began to fill the cabin. Let’s just say, I’m pretty sure the smell would have put my Basset Hound into a seizure. Well, if I had a Basset Hound that is. It wasn’t good. But anyways…it made me wanna have the courtesy puke bag ready. It was all made better though because before that smell could take over, the steward begins a walk from one end of the plane to the other covering the passengers with a mist of Menthol smelling room spray.
As we taxi to the gate I think to myself, “I’ve heard others’ stories and experiences here…and now it’s actually me. I’m here, oh god.”
The immigration officer stamps my passport, dates my visa, hands it to me, and without any eye contact he says in broken English,
“Welcome to India. Proceed to the right.”
The next two weeks for me where like nothing I’ve ever really experienced before. I’ve been to numerous countries at this point, I’ve lived in and among many different countries and cultures. But this was different. Totally different.
I was surrounded by more people in one day than I’ve ever been around in 21 years.
(okay, maybe that’s a little stretch.)
It’s chaos, 24/7. There is no order ANYWHERE. Women at large have no value or honor here; that is felt plainly, weither Indian or not. Communication for the most basic things is literally impossible. And the biggest kicker for me personally, it smells. BAD, The people, the food, our room, my clothes, everything. These are just a few of the challenges that I was faced with as I entered this country.
Morning after morning as I would wake up here in India I would allow the circumstances and attitudes around me to dictate my entire outlook and attitude, and honestly my state of heart. And I can tell you, it wasn’t healthy. Outwardly, I was fine. I got up. Smiled mechanically. Did ministry. It was all good, to everyone else and me. Cause after all, I was doing what I was here to do.
Or was I?
If you had walked into the inside of my heart on any day during those first two weeks you would have found, a heart that was closed and locked. I had subcontiously made this choice not to allow my heart to connect with these people. I didn’t like it here. I didn’t wanna come back here. I didn’t want my heart to break for these people. I wanted to leave India in a month, and not cry. Not be sad. This was a different planet and one that I was just gonna pass through with as little investment as possible on my part. I was determinded to “make it” 30 days, and then get the heck out.
For a country so poor and broken as this place is, it sounds so heartless.
Well, you’re right. It was, and is.
I knew it wasn’t right. But, I had a cover and it was real Christian sounding. When people back home asked, “How’s India?!” My reply was quickly. “If I come back here, it’ll be an act of obedience.”
You know, I got the point across that I was not India’s biggest fan, but I was a good, and clearly, an obedient Christian missionary.
One night as I laid on my mat on the floor, just like clockwork the smell of raw sewage began to fill our room. I rolled over on my stomach and buried my head into my pillow, and as a lay there, God began to talk to me. When He starts of with “Elizabeth Anne” I know something’s up. I didn’t sleep that night. Like, not at all. Instead, God talked to me. And I didn’t talk. I just listened. And everything He spoke was truth. Well, of course it was, He’s my Dad. He made me. He knows me more than I know me.
He convicted me of not allowing my heart to break for this country. For allowing my feelings to dictate my actions and attitude. For having the mindset that it was somehow about me, and my comfort.
Through the night He continued to talk to me; Anyone can love when it’s easy, everyone can love when the feeling is there. But do you want be an anybody, or an everybody? I’ve made you for more than the easy. I’ve made you with a heart and given you the capacity to love beyond the easy, to love beyond a feeling, to love when it hurts and it takes everything from inside you. India is not for the faint of heart, you have the capacity to love people that have never been loved, to love on women who have never known a loving touch. I have given you a heart to hold children who have never been held in a loving embrace, little ones who have never heard the words, “I love you”. You can protect your own heart from all this brokenness, and leave this place untouched. Or you can put everything I have given you on the line, and give your all to a people that I died for and love just as much as I do you. It’s your choice. I dare you to see the beauty in this country, I dare you to love above your tolerance.
Choosing to open your heart will demand your all. It will break your heart like nothing ever has. It will take you to a place you’ve never been emotionally and it will leave you changed forever. But in turn, you just might have a deeper understanding of My love through these Indian people. You will be part of an investment into the Kingdom that few will ever have. This will be part of your inheritance…
With tears puddling in my ears as I laid on my back staring at the fan on the ceiling spinning in the dark, I lifted both my arms and opened my hands and in the darkness I said, “God my heart is all yours.” My heart is for this country and for the women and children you put in my life here in India. I’m choosing to allow a part of my heart to be left here. To cry unashamed for these women. To pour out all that I have on these chikdren.”
And that’s been a start to a new chapter in my life…
As of that night two weeks ago, I’m living with a passion to make the most of every opportunity to pour out the love of Jesus on everyone that He puts in my path. The circumstances around me haven’t changed. The “feelings” are not always there. The confusion, and chaos seems almost overwhelming at times, the smells make me puke on a pretty regular basis, but those things are insignificant in comparison to the true needs of the people I see and places I walk into every day. I can do life for the last days we have here, counting down and “surviving” in the hell hole. Or, I see the days left as an hourglass, with the time coming to an end and living with the drive to “thrive.”
To allow God to use me, to be a channel, to give selflessly.
I’ve chosen, to give my all and to allow a piece of my heart to be left here.
To have a deeper undertanding of the radical love of Jesus because of this country. To leave here with a greater capacity to live, love and, well, just live more like Jesus.
To have a deeper undertanding of the radical love of Jesus because of this country. To leave here with a greater capacity to live, love and, well, just live more like Jesus.
Anyone can “obey” with their teeth clenched and a time bomb inside them. I want to have my obedience driven by love. The pure, passionate, wild, uncontional love of Jesus.
So today, if you asked me, “How’s India?!” I’ll be the first to tell you; It’s a place where you loose everything to love. It’s been here that I’ve been broken, stretched, and poured out. It’s been here that I’ve seen through the eyes of Jesus and loved in a way I never have before.
It’s a country full of craziness filth, and much brokeness, no doubt, but more so, I see a place filled with possibility, hope, and some of the absolute most precious people I’ve ever meet.
and…
I will be back in India on an act of {love.}
.elizabeth.
