I’m in a funk. And let me tell you, that is not at all how I expected to start the World Race.
How can you feel so overloaded and so drained at the same time? How can I be so sure that I am in the presence of God and still have no idea where He is and what He’s doing? How can I be sitting in my hammock looking at the Andes mountains and not feel like I am on an insane adventure?
My entire life is a contradiction right now.
It’s week one.
Things I’m so certain of, and so sure of, and even feel so deeply, are just not taking root. I cannot process anything. I don’t know what I’m even feeling to process!
It’s like trying to put a Band-Aid on when you skin is a little wet. It’s right there! It’s connecting but not attaching.
One of my favorite sessions at training camp was about feelings. Maybe I loved it because I have more emotions than I know what to do with, but I actually love my feelings. In the (pretty much) words of Kristen Bell, “If I’m not between a 4 and a 7 on the emotional scale, I’m crying. Good or bad.” That’s my real life. Every day. And I actually think it’s awesome. Everything is personal to me. I love deep, laugh dee, and hurt deep. To me, feelings are like food. A cheese pizza is good. But a homemade, white sauce pizza with garlic butter crust, bacon, feta, red onion, and spinach is like a million times better. It’s the difference between bland and savory. If I’m going to experience something, I need to really feel it.
The problem comes when I can’t explain what I’m feeling. If I can’t describe it, I just get anxious. I fear becoming depressed.
So here’s what I learned at training. Feelings are precious; like children. You care for them, tenderly. You protect them. But you do not let them drive your car! Feelings are the last part of your being to mature.
So what does this look like for me? How do I keep my feelings from taking the wheel?
Well. I know what I don’t want.
I do not want the presence of the Holy Spirit to feel like the tide. I want to feel radiant in His presence even if I am not in an emotionally driven situation.
I shared my feelings, or lack there of, with my team and we read Judges 6 together about the story of Gideon. Gideon and His people had been under attack for seven years. Because they were constantly being sought after, jobs like threshing wheat (normally done in a high and dry place) were done in caves or on the cut outs of mountains where it was damp. An angel of the Lord came to Gideon as he was doing this exact job and called him a mighty warrior. He was more than a little confused. He questioned the Lord and asked Him where were all the miracles his ancestors had spoken of. But see, Gideon was diligent to do what was a seemingly impossible task. Impossible and mundane.
That’s what I feel. Mundane. My ministry host is wonderful, but is maybe not what you would picture for a mission trip. I’m in a city just spending time with girls my age. I have been to the mall, the park, Starbucks, and church. Last night I watched Netflix with the girls who live in our home. It’s the same as home, except completely different because my people, my food and my things are not here.
So I feel like Gideon.
I know the Lord has called me here and has so much ahead of me. But I want the healings. I want the spiritual stretching. I want people experiencing His love for the first time. I do not want to watch 500 days of summer, and that’s what I’m doing.
Please here me saying I realize this is only week one and I need to relax. I know each race is different and mine has only begun. I know this is Him stretching me. But it ain’t how I want it! (I know…. I know. Im just being honest.)
Okay now that I got that out, here’s me getting over myself. What do I do in the mundane? I find majesty in it. When I can’t process my feelings that are maybe fleeting, irrational, and immature, I strap on my belt of truth and fill myself with the concrete knowledge of who He is. I look at the situation I’m in and check my attitude. Would I be handling this situation any differently if the Lord himself was standing in front of me asking me to do it? Would I find this moment more glorious? Probably. Okay. Well, He is standing in front of me. He is asking me to do this; to watch this movie, to sweep the floors, and to just be. He’s here.
I need to take a note from Gideon and not test the Lord. He wasn’t joking when He called me to this. My weird feelings don’t change the weight of His charge. I’m just detoxing. All the things I was use to are all gone, but it’s ultimately for my good. What I need to do now is intentionally create a new normal. When the weird feelings come I turn to His word, not my phone. I turn to prayer, not Luke. I turn to worship, not Netflix. I fill myself with Him. Because I love my feelings, but He is the only thing reliable enough to sustain me.
So my prayer request this week, if you’ve made it this far, is that the Lord would teach me to cherish my emotions, even the little bitty ones. My prayer is that the Lord would be so evident to me in every moment and every person. My prayer is that my emotions would be stable and He would feel so constant, not like the tide. I know it’s week one and I have a lot to get used to. But my prayer is that I would drop expectations but just be expectant. It’s gonna be so good.
