As I walked into the bars in the red light district where women are working, I expected to be blown away. I expected to feel this weight of the sin that was taking place. Or anger, or sadness, or hurt, or something. The things that are taking place are horrible. Women should not have to live the lifestyle they are in these bars. The men should not be in there and are, in their own way, just as broken as the women. The pimps, John’s, and children should not be there and are living lives that are sad and horrible. It was kind of scary walking in that first time, not knowing what I would see or what I would feel. I expected some kind of intense emotion. It would make sense.
Yet when I walked into the strip where the bars are, there was nothing. Even once I got back, there were no emotions coursing through me. There was a quiet joy of knowing I could love them but not the sadness or hurt or any of the emotions I expected. There are times when there is disgust at what I see, but it is not lingering. It doesn’t stay and doesn’t affect me for long. Many of my teammates feel all the emotions I was expecting. I don’t consider myself a feeler, but I am usually pretty empathetic when I see things and people, yet I felt nothing. It was, and to some extent is, disconcerting.
I have prayed about it and wondered if I am just not in touch with how God feels about these issues. Honestly, though, what we see is not any worse than what I would see on TV, and I’ve seen girls wear less to church (sad but true). I think what I have seen in the States has numbed me a little to what I am seeing here but not to the extent of feeling hardly any emotions. It also made me question my connection to and investment in what was happening. Was I and am I missing something?
Yesterday morning, I took my journal out to the bars which were closed and sat there until I figured out why I wasn’t feeling anything. I prayed and pondered and what I have come to the conclusion of is that I am feeling Grace for these people. A LOT of Grace. I walk into the bars and just want to talk to the people and show them that someone wants to know them. I want to show them Love. I mentally know what they are doing is wrong and I know that all of them have gone through horrible things to get where they are, yet I feel Grace for them. There is so much Grace that it blots out the other emotions. I can only explain that it is from God because my humanity should be really mad and upset, yet I am not.
There has actually been so much Grace that it has put me off balance because I don’t feel the urgency that I normally would when dealing with sin and hurt. It’s been a struggle to think about the clock ticking away and that these things shouldn’t be happening every night. I have had to mentally make the decision to do something about what is happening. This song, I Refuse, by Josh Wilson has been running through my head and kind of sums up what I am feeling and going through…
I literally could refuse to do anything and be passive about what I am seeing. I could choose not to develop the urgency which I think is based on Justice. I could continue to hold Grace alone, but I need Justice also to say that this is wrong and that something should be done. Putting Justice with my Grace has helped me to bring myself back into balance and have the urgency to go to the bars, love the people, and show them ways out.
There may not be overwhelming emotions when I walk into the bars, but I think I have also come to the conclusion that it is OK. I feel Grace which allows me not to be overcome by the emotions when I am talking to them and to treat the people like every other person, which is something they need.
That’s where I am at after this long week, but it may change next week. Only God knows. For now, I will choose to say “yes” to helping the people in the bars, and I will choose to put the Grace that I have been given with the Justice I have been given. These men are still men. These women are still women, and these children are still children. They are all people who need help. They are all lost people searching for true Love that only God provides.
