A week ago today I left DBU to come back home for summer, and it was one of the hardest goodbyes. I wouldn’t say that leaving the school itself was difficult (don’t get me wrong, dbap is great) but leaving the friends I have made there was the most heartbreaking.
It was heartbreaking for many reasons, but mainly because it was the end of life together. No more random runs to the grocery store, no more walking 10 feet across the street to my best friends house, no more late night movies, study sessions, cries in the car, jamming and dancing like lunatics, no more. This doesn’t mean I wont always be connected with them, it just means the physical, day-to-day life with one another has come to an end… and I am just plain sad. There is no other way to put it.
This came two years too early. There seems to be a sort of “timeline” when it comes to college. You live four years at one place with your people, do your work and get your degree. Though that obviously was not what God had planned for me. The abruptness of my decision to do the World Race Gap Year left me with very little time to take advantage of my remaining moments at DBU. It wasn’t abrupt in a way where I wasn’t able to properly say goodbye, I just didn’t think it would happen until maybe after college. Yet, here I am, getting prepared to leave for 9 months in September. There are just so many lasts happening all at once, it is honestly overwhelming. With so much coming to an end, I wasn’t able to completely process it when I was at school, and because of that I am now at home sitting in a pile of emotions. Sitting, NOT sulking. I am sitting in this pain WITH GOD. He is right next to me, comforting me and whispering that it is ok. I am sitting in His presence as I long for what was. For my normal, my YoungLife girls, team, sorority, routine and my friends. I am not sulking, I am not being silent and resenting my decision. I KNOW that I am doing what is best for me, what God has called me to do. It is just grueling thinking of the “whys” and “what-ifs”. It is ok, though. It is ok for me to feel like this. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to cry, to miss what my life was and to be saddened by change. Change is inevitable in life, and its hard. Guys, change is soooooo hard. Who would have thought? I chose this change, God led me to this change, and now that it’s happening it almost doesn’t feel real. I feel like in just a few days I will drive back to campus, squeeze my best friend, climb into my top bunk and chat with my roomies, go to bed late and wake up early for classes, plan a YL club, do homework, but that is not the case. That will never be again until I return to DBU after the World Race, if I decide to return.
I say “if” because I am starting to consider all options for when this is over, my mind could change and I could want to transfer somewhere else, but I definitely don’t need to think about that right now. What I am thinking about, what I am learning, is that I am not alone in feeling this. I am slowly be comforted by the Holy Spirit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m struggling, but I am able to cope. Like 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed”.
PRAISE GOD for this truth. Praise Him because I am NOT helpless nor hopeless. I am surrounded by love and support and everything that I feel is ok. It is normal. It is justified. It is all part of this crazy process, this wild adventure that I am embarking on. I am so grateful for these emotions because I am learning and experiencing so much, more than I ever could had I stayed at school. It may be really difficult now, but I am finding the confidence in Jesus to believe that these trials will not defeat me. This is life. This is change. This is God with me. I am scared and sorrowful at the moment, but so ready for the journey ahead! The best is yet to come.
As always, thank you for reading this! THANK YOU for the encouragement and prayers, it is all so appreciated!! Also- I’M SELLING T-SHIRTS NOW! They are $20 each and comfort colors. Please comment, message, call or email me with your name and size and I will put you down for one! If you have any questions or comments about the race, feel free to contact me and maybe consider donating! You can click the orange “DONATE” button at the top of this page to direct you. 🙂
-Elisabeth (Lissie) Butler
