Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight
I like understanding. I really like understanding. I like figuring things out. I like having plans, and I’ve never liked being in the dark. I want things to make sense and when they don’t, I seek answers.
On the surface, this doesn’t seem like a problem. Trying to make sense of the world is a good thing. Rejecting a passive life, being curious and analytical, putting the puzzle pieces together – these are all good practices.
And because I try to make sense of everything around me, I try to make sense of God. This doesn’t immediately seem like a bad thing either, but I have this innate desire to tackle the questions/problems of my life and check them off my to-do list.
You can’t do this with God though. He’s not something you can just check off a list. He can’t be completely figured out and His plans can’t be completely figured out. He’s on the list for good.
Well, two months ago I thought I had God’s plans figured out. I had received the OK from Him to apply for World Race, and I was so sure it was what He wanted me to do that in my head I turned what was supposed to be a “maybe thing” into a “for sure thing.” I thought I had God figured out.
Probably in response to my skewed way of thinking, God set up a series of events in my life that made me question everything – my future plans, my desires, my goals, everything.
No one called me for my scheduled World Race interview. I had set up a time for a Thursday but didn’t receive a call. I remember thinking, “OK, it’s fine. They’re probably just busy … they haven’t forgotten about me. That wouldn’t happen.” In retrospect, I probably should have called the office first thing the next Monday, but I didn’t want to seem pushy so I decided to give it a couple of days.
While this was happening I was also waiting to hear back from an internship that I really wanted. It had been a week since I had received any form of communication, so I left the company a voicemail. I later received an email from the company asking what my plans were after graduation. The HR department decided it wanted to hire an intern that could eventually become a full-time employee.
I closed the email to continue with what I was doing, but fear started creeping into my thoughts like an unwanted insect. I was internally processing the email while driving home when a horrifying thought surfaced and pushed past all other quieter thoughts. I’m pretty sure I whispered the thought out loud: “What if I’m not supposed to go on World Race?”
You’re probably thinking that my manic thought life was making me jump the gun, but I had been passing up opportunities and not even thinking twice about them. Earlier that month I had potentially rejected a salaried marketing position. Every college senior ever wants a job right out of college, wants job security and financial security. But not me. I wanted to go on World Race.
I cried an alarming amount of tears over the next couple of days. I was filled with doubt about the future for the first time in maybe a year. I was questioning my desire for adventure, my passion for caring for others and my strong aversion to the “desk job.” Out of everything I was frightened about, the thing I wrestled with the most – that broke my heart the most – was the realization that I did not trust God as much as I thought I did.
I trusted God with my future because I thought World Race was a part of that future. But take away World Race and did I still trust Him? Trust that He is good and has something better for me? I had a conditional trust in God and conditional trust isn’t really trust at all.
I eventually talked to an HR person for the internship and was honest about my future plans. Even though I hadn’t heard anything from World Race, I told him that I couldn’t commit to staying with them after graduation when I had this desire to do overseas missions.
I later received an email from World Race saying that if I didn’t respond soon my application would be dropped from the program. It turns out that the woman who was supposed to interview me had double booked her schedule for that Thursday. She had emailed me to reschedule, but I never received the email. It wasn’t in my trash, it wasn’t in my spam, it wasn’t anywhere. The only explanation I can think of is that God hid the email from me because He wanted to drive home some truths:
Nothing in this life is certain. You can make all the plans you want, but the truth is tomorrow could not happen for you. Just because God gives you a “yes” on something one time, doesn’t mean it’s always going to be a “yes.” The only thing that is certain is Christ – everything He was done for you and all the promises He has made. Following Him means being OK with that.
Although my acceptance into World Race is what you would call an open door, I did not treat it as a “yes” from God until I actually heard a “yes” from Him.
But here’s the thing: World Race still isn’t certain. So many things could prevent me from going. Not raising full support, for example, is a very real and scary possibility. I’d be lying if I said the thought of not going on World Race isn’t as terrifying as it was the first time it occurred to me. I want to go on World Race probably more than anything else I’ve ever wanted. But God is God and He has a plan. Who better to lean on than Him?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight
