My eyes fought to stay open and my brain drifted into random thoughts and ideas. Madness paced at the edges of my mind. But I was alive, and was reminded of that by the constant rubbing of my shoe on a blister that had formed on day one. Hot, fiery shooting pains traced my left leg, leaving me wincing with each step. I half-smiled, half-grimaced at the thought, it’s just a flesh wound. And then the delirium of fatigue as a result of a brief couple hours of sleep. I felt like a walking zombie. Every conversation blending together. One second I was laughing at a falling leaf because it reminded me of the movie Ants and then the next I was quiet as the dead. Thinking only about my next step. Stuck in the incessant rhythm of walking. One foot after the other, the monotony of the auto pilot that had taken over.
I knew I needed to get out of my head. To get my thoughts collected from the depths of my brain. And so I continued walking, praying that God would help me be at peace to understand.
“Eli, look.” The voice jarred me from my thoughts. To my right, one of my squad leaders pointed at a sign.
I stopped. It was a literal sign that had the next village written in black bold letters. The back of the sign faced me and I saw the ashen gray metal shining in the sun. A few stickers covered it and small amounts of unintelligible graffiti. My eyes stopped on my name. It was written in small letters with a circle around it. An exclamation point followed by a heart. Underneath, an arrow pointed to a sentence written below my name.
“Don’t stay in your head, see signs like this instead.”
I stood there, speechless. My squad leader looked at me and smiled, knowing full well that God was with me. That He was talking to me. Denial arose and my rational brain told me that it was just a coincidence. I mean, how could my name all of a sudden be on a sign — with the exact words that I was praying?
And so my very loving and kind squad leader proceeded with a line of questions. Asking what I thought about that. If what was on there was true. Encouraging me to share what was on my mind.
My hands anxiously grabbed my backpack straps as I fumbled through my thoughts, trying to rationalize a meaning. I so badly wanted to dismiss it and say that it was just random, that it had no meaning to me. But the truth was, it was all for me. I was literally being given a sign. Funny how God works sometimes.
This opened the door for me to share my emotions and feelings of how the Race and Camino was going. It also allowed me to share my dreams. One of which has brought healing and freedom.
The night before, I woke up early, probably around two or three in the morning. My breathing was heavy and my heart raced. I tried escaping the dream that woke me, but I could not.
A lot was happening in my dream. Most of which has no relevance to anything. The other part held as much importance as gravity.
I was walking behind a set of large beige curtains. They were heavy and did not move easy. And so I continued pushing between the wall and the curtain. As my movement continued, I was overcome by an intense presence of fear. (Bear with me. This is when it’s hard to describe what I feel in dreams but will do my best.) My whole body felt like it was being sucked into a black hole and my heart was being ripped from my chest. It felt as if my head was going to explode and I would become lifeless. However, I managed to keep walking in the tight space. I rounded the edge of the curtain and came face to face with a demon. It had on a burnt pink suit with a dark red tie. Paired with a white undershirt. It looked at me with glassy eyes that were pure white. Nothing but endless despair and fear in the white void. Its hair was long and slicked back. Not a single strand out of place. And its mouth was like a lions. Pulled wide with a long jaw. Sharp teeth and blood filled.
In my dream it seemed like forever. It stared at me and would not look away. Its hand slowly glided over the oversized chair it was standing next to.
The amazing thing about being a Christian is the power and authority we have over the spiritual realm. God has given us the power to call out demons by name and tell them to leave. The victory has already been won and we don’t need to be fearful of what God has already destroyed.
And so in my dream a peace settled deep within my heart. The demon looked at me and said its name. It called himself jealousy, followed with a bunch of words that I could not understand. And then I woke up. I was swimming in a pool of emotions, not sure if I wanted to try going to sleep again. However, I eventually fell back asleep, with no more dreams.
When I woke up for the morning hike I was in a daze. I felt heavy and like a dark thick fog was following me. The enemy was trying to take my thoughts off God. To distract me with the presence of evil. I felt alone, trying to figure out why in the world I would have this dream.
In reality, God was waiting patiently for me. He knew my heart was to seek him and to understand. Thankfully, God has a way of getting our attention. Allowing us to be in a place where the only thing to pull us out is Him.
A scary dream. The sign. My squad leader. Time to think.
It all created the opportunity for God to show up. What we think may be dark and twisted, God can redeem. He is more powerful, holy, and loving than any worldly thing seen or unseen.
So, when all the talking was done and emotions spilled to my squad leader during that long and hot hike, the realization and the understanding of the dream became clear. The demon called himself jealousy. Meaning that, if he could be present in my dreams then there was an area that, in reality, I was allowing it to be there.
I was jealous. Jealous of my team members. What was I jealous of? Their understanding of the Bible and who God was. How they could hear God so clearly and understand where He was leading them. It seemed like I was broken and alone. Not able to hear God the way I wanted.
The dream was to show me what can manifest when you allow your heart to be focused on who you are not, instead of who you are. I am redeemed. Loved. I am His. And God is at work. He’s working through me. He is healing my heart. He does speak to me. And just because I’m at a different area of growth doesn’t mean that God for some reason doesn’t love me just as much.
These last couple of days I have been able to walk away from the spirit of jealousy. It’s gone. I feel free and welcome in the team. To be present in my area of growth and to be available for God to work in me and through me.
My encouragement to you is, no matter where you are in life, whether it’s a physical goal that’s taking forever to meet, you’re emotionally caged and freedom eludes you, or you want to grow closer to God but are lost at where to start or how to continue growing, you need to know that God is working in you right now as you read this. He doesn’t care if you’re not at the level you feel you need to be. He loves you where you’re at and has plans for your life that are bigger than you can fathom. You can be at peace, knowing God has your back. He will never leave you or forsake you. It’s okay to be in growth. Don’t dwell on where you’re not, but where God is taking you.
God has your back.
Also, speaking of God having your back, I want to say a huge thank you to those of you who are praying for me and our team. And, thank you, to those of you who have contributed financially to this journey. I’m grateful to report that I’m now almost fully funded. If you feel led to help me reach the last part of the financial goal, just click on the Donate button at the top of my blog and follow the prompts. And again, thank you.
Blessings.
