So at launch I was going through my first trial and I didn’t realize it until we left for the airport to head towards Albania. At launch I was still going through some stuff from the process of going through some spiritual warfare that was keeping me from having that close relationship with God. I didn’t know what was wrong because I was worshiping God, pursuing Him, talking to Him, and was doing everything I possibly could or thought would bring that strong relationship with God I used to have. I mean I was fixing to leave on a 9 month mission trip to go share the gospel and show God’s love through different ministries and the last thing that I would want is to not be close to God. He is what’s going to get me through hard times and trials and I couldn’t do it without Him. So in a nutshell I wanted to be right with God and there was something that was keeping me from it and I didn’t figure out what it was until I was at the airport fixing to leave on this crazy journey! Talk about timing right aha! So as I was sitting at launch listening to one of the important guys (that I should know the name of but don’t because I suck at remembering names, ask my squad mates aha) and I was just sitting there, honestly drowning out the dude and talking to God and asking Him frustratingly because at this time I had pretty much given up on trying to grow close to Him… “why am I not feeling close to you?!?! What am I doing wrong or what is it that you want me to do?!” and then the thought came to me “Are you willing to break up with Jessica(my beautiful girlfriend) if I told you to?” and selfishly I responded with “NO!” like in a defensive/protective kinda way. I even said it out loud and people looked at me like I was crazy. As soon as I said that I was like…. “Ohhhhh” and honestly my heart sank because the thought of having to do that scared me! I wasn’t willing to follow God’s will or have that close relationship with Him because I was putting Jessica before God. That whole night when I went to bed I couldn’t fall asleep because of the thought of God wanting me to break up with my best friend killed me because obviously if it were left to me I’d marry the girl! But me not being willing to break up with Jessica is what was keeping me from having that close relationship with God. I finally got the answer but at that time I was probably wishing that I didn’t figure out my answer. So as I was sitting in the airport, I was texting Jessica and she could tell something was up (you can’t ever get away with anything with a girl).
Jessica- what’s wrong?
Me- Nothings wrong (didn’t really get that far with that response)
Me-What if God wanted me to break up with you?(worse thing to ask your girlfriend before you leave the country for 9 months)
Jessica- What?!
Me- I feel like He just wants me to be willing to do anything He calls me to do, and I say yes to everything… except one thing. I think He just wants me to be willing and I’m not willing to break up with you if He wants me to. I’m telling you that I’m fixing to enter into a close relationship with God that if He wants me to leave you, I’m going to because His plan for you and I is better than anything that we can think. I just think He wants me to be willing and I haven’t been…I’m not saying He wants us to, I’m just saying I’m doing this relationship with God 100%. I’m putting God before you and our relationship and I haven’t been. HE JUST WANTS ME TO BE WILLING. I hope you understand.”
Jessica- Okay
Me-“Do you understand?
Jessica- I do and I support you.
Me- What if God told you to break up with me, would you be willing?
Jessica- I would!
Obviously there’s more to that conversation because she thought I was breaking up with her. Anyways… as soon as I made up in my heart that I would be willing to do whatever God wants me to do wether it be me breaking up with Jessica(worst fear) or anything, this sense of relief and barrier seemed to be broke down and it felt good! It’s a scary thing for me because I don’t want to do that at all and I pray that if God told anyone to break up with the other that He would tell Jessica because I’d rather take the heartache… rather heart break! But it feels good to have that close relationship with God. I trust God and His ways and that He’ll take care of me and Jessica and our hearts and feelings towards each other. Our God is a loving God and He wouldn’t hurt any of us! He just wants what’s best for us and if there’s a better boy that God has for Jessica than I don’t wanna block her from having what’s, in the end, best for her even though the both of us might not be able to see it at the moment. So if I had any prayer requests it would be that God would be with Jessica and me and that we would keep Him first in our relationship. But that He would also be there for Jessica in general because that’s not an easy conversation to have when your boyfriend just left you for 9 months on a mission trip with limited communication. Not gonna lie, its hard on me as well but we’ll get through it with God’s help.
Ps. I asked Jess for permission to post this:)
