Now I wasn’t going to write this blog at first because, one I didn’t know how to correctly write and translate everything I wanted to say, and two it’s kind of a little to personal for my taste. But I really do want to share my heart with the people I love who have been reading my blogs and anyone else who might be able to get anything from this. Well now that I built this up lets begin.
More then 6 weeks ago in Entebbe Uganda we all (the whole squad) camped out together and hang out and waited to leave for Asia. During these two days we were also put into new teams for the next however many months. My team through all of Africa had been ridiculously wonderful, but I was excited with changing things up just for the sake of something new. While most people were nervous about these changes I just wasn’t, which looking back is nothing short of being hilarious. The day before we leave we get put into these long awaited new teams. I get my sheet of paper with my new team on it leave the room, take a look down at it and to my shocking surprise it is basically the same team with the whopping switch of two people.
I would love to say that by three months on the race I no longer held on to my own expectations or selfishness, or any other thing your not suppose to have as a “super cool Jesus loving person”, but that was far from the truth haha. Instead my reaction was to first cry, out of disappointment, anger, sadness, exhaustion, etc. I then was in shock because I was the one ready for any change not no change. This turned to anger and just me being annoyed because why did everyone else get something they wanted and I didn’t, there was no way in hell that I was going to try and be excited about this either, but what was I suppose to do, I just needed to be ok with it. On top of this was a lie that started to form in me that was more or less me believing that because I don’t get what I want God doesn’t love me and I’m not worth investing in. That night before leaving for the airport to our next wonderful country I seriously prayed harder then I’ve ever prayed before that I would wake up and be home. Home where I was comfortable, didn’t really get disappointed, had it easy and didn’t have to try with much. But to no one’s surprise I wake up the next morning in my tent still in Uganda. I’m sorry Entebbe it’s nothing personal but I still don’t like to think of you very much.
Well since im still stuck in Africa wanting to be anywhere else what better thing to do next then get on a plane and go to another continent. Yep now I am going legitimately halfway around the world, even further away. We get on the bus to the airport where I am now told that we will have a 24-hour layover in Thailand and not get to the Philippines for a couple days. Now I’m really good at pretending nothing is wrong but inside I am literally planning how I can jump off of this bus/ I also want to just start crying. But just when I was about to explode and figure out an escape plan God in all His grace gave me an overwhelming amount of peace and I felt the desire to just enjoy traveling and being with the whole squad. This leads to 51 hours of traveling to the Philippines where I was basically on an adrenaline rush and loved every minute of that time. So then where in the Philippines, sweet, and we are spending the next 6 weeks with most of the squad at an amazing ministry, which also gave us a whole lot of freedom, this is even more sweet! I can now avoid the whole team thing all together and not have to try much.
But in everything we do that we no isn’t right or good things inside got all off and nothing got fixed or much better. On the outside I am having so much fun here, we all get to hang out and experience a lot together here, go out on Saturday nights and even start a documentary club. Ministry here is amazing as well and is by far my favorite place so far with so many things I love. But I’m still just not feeling all that great. But I am kind of avoiding my team, mostly consisting of the same people I was super close with for the past 3 months. I’m missing their friendships but on the other hand just not wanting to invest.
In the multiple talks I had with people who could tell something wasn’t right I just keep hearing a lot of well you are in your teams lives to encourage and move them forward, you bring unity and will unite your team. This is more then what you want; God has a bigger plan Blah Blah Blah. I honestly didn’t want any of those answers or advice so I just wasn’t listening. Id rather just has fun here and not think about it.
You see the biggest thing is that I had got to this point of believing that I wasn’t worth investing in because there was someone else who always needed it more then I did or who I was suppose to encourage or pour into. How could God love me if he didn’t even pay attention to me, or if he was only using me to help others. If I was only ever involved in other people’s stories then what was my own story? I couldn’t break free of any of this.
Oh and here are just a few other things I couldn’t break free of. One being scabs. Every single time I got bit by a mosquito it would scab and then because of this wonderful tropical heat it would never dry up and just stay disgusting and all scabby. This was also the case for my breakouts this month on my face. Then there was my tattoo I got week two which I loved and was so excited about until it decided to scab up and be super annoying about healing correctly. I then can’t shake this sickness, and then comes the abscess underneath my armpit. Holy Moly do those things hurt, and they get freaken big.
I didn’t know how to break free of any of this, physical ailments of course but more then all that all the even bigger emotional mess I had going on inside of me. I had trapped myself in my own pride because truth be told I didn’t really care what the answers to my questions or disappointments were because I wanted to stay angry about it and I wanted the right to hold on to my mess. I wanted God to feel bad for me.
In a complete act of God’s love though what I heard when I wasn’t even listening for it or wanting to hear it was that God is the Calm. I looked at God as always being the storm, always throwing hard things down to me to teach me some sort of lesson or just because that’s what he does. He loved me but didn’t spend much time with me, is what I assumed. But this time I felt myself really believing and having faith in the fact that God is the calm in any of life’s storms. What we find calm in is that no matter what the circumstance is or how far away or close to God we feel what Christ did means we are always children of God, always loved, and always worth investing in. It took people speaking my worth into me this month and one surprise package sent from my amazing friends to really make me want to believe this. I am leaving this month with so much freedom in being myself and feeling worthy, I can’t even explain the release it has brought me.
It doesn’t matter if my face stays broken out for the entire month or if my legs won’t stop scabbing. It doesn’t matter if I get a abscess, or if my tattoo takes longer then usual to heal. It doesn’t matter if I avoid everyone I love, or if I feel like I have nothing to offer people. Who I am in Christ is solid, unshakable and forever. In Psalms 30 it says “For your anger lasts a moment but your favor a lifetime”. Believe me God shows grace and favor and love way more of the time then he is angry with us, or punishing us.
Oh and for the record the abscess went away, the tattoo healed and my legs are less disgustingly cut up then they were at the beginning of the month.
Love very much, -Elaina.
manila sunset. 🙂
