Our ministry time has ended for the month and we’re now starting Squad Debrief. Debrief is a time where we get to share how the past couple of weeks have been for us individually, as a team, and a squad with our squad leaders, squad mentor, squad coaches and logistics coordinator. These are pretty much the people that have been placed with our squad to support us on our journey. They are awesome people.
In our night session this past Friday, we gathered as a squad and were given the opportunity to speak aloud some of the lies that we’ve believed for so long that have been holding us back from experiencing the freedom and love that God is wanting to shower on us.
Nobody was forced to go up but we were all invited (if we wanted) to write down the lie that we wanted to release and then drop in a plate to later be burned.
I decided to go up and share a lie that I had believed for a very long time.
I let go of my fear of vulnerability and opening up to people for fear of what their opinion of me would be if they really knew me and my past.
The thing is I’m not perfect. I think most people are like “Duh, of course no one is perfect,” but for the majority of my life I’ve been trying to live up to expectations that I felt were placed on me on what my life should look like. Some of the expectations were placed on me by parents, friends, and classmates. A lot of them however were expectations that I had placed on myself. I’ve been trying to appear like I have it all together. I was voted most popular in high school, and went to Vanderbilt, helped out with Christian ministries in college, and got a good job right out of college. To most this would seem like I had it all figured out.
That couldn’t be farther from the truth. While all the above is true, at various times in my life I’ve struggled with lust and pornography, been sexually active, and abused alcohol. I’ve tried for a long time to protect this image of myself of having it all together but there were a lot of things I had done that were contrary to the image I tried to project.
I’ve struggled with guilt and shame and trying to overcome these issues on my own because I was so worried about what people might think if they knew. I felt like I couldn’t share any of that with anyone because of that fear. And that fear has prevented me from fully experiencing the love and grace that is offered by Christ.
Last night in our debrief time, I was reminded that there is freedom in sharing and releasing ourselves from the lies that we’ve held on to for so long. I truly believe that I am loved by Jesus despite my past and that Jesus died on the cross so that I never again need to feel shame, guilt, loneliness, or despair about any of these things but that I could live boldly and courageously knowing that I’m a new creation in Christ and a beloved son.
My mom writes me a letter for important milestones in my life and leaving for the World Race was not an exception. I hadn’t shared any of what I just wrote with her but in her letter she could sense what I was going through and shared the following passages:
Philippians 3:12-14
I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.
We have to let go of the past and move on to the new things God wants to do in our lives. He tells us in Psalm 103:11-12 that He does not dwell on our past: For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he remove our transgressions from us.
These verses are as true for me as they are for you.
I don’t know what lies or things from your past may be distorting your view of God or of yourself. They could be past sins, events that have happened in your life that have hurt you deeply and cause you to doubt certain aspects of God and who he is, or lies that you are somehow not worthy of God’s love. Whatever the lie may be, remember that it is a lie. There’s a power in releasing yourself from believing those lies whether that means sharing it with someone else or just yourself. Jesus died and rose again from the grave so that we wouldn’t have to go through life trying to carry these burdens on our own. I’m so glad that I finally fully understand that!
