Not really sure how to start here…. Hmmm ok. Ready? Go!
Last night Michelle K lead an amazing devotional. She started off by praying and then said that she thought we had been lacking in the Holy Spirit area as a team. She said we needed to rely on the Holy Spirit more for guidance, strength, wisdom, gifts, and so on. Then she said, "OK, we're going to pray for everyone as a group so who wants to go first?"
Let me get one thing off my chest really quick – I am OK talking about the Holy Spirit or even learning about the Holy Spirit, but actually interacting with him? That's a little out of my comfort zone. My team knew this and this time was meant to be a stretch not only for my team, but also for me.
Anyway, we prayed for the first person, Laura I think, and nothing came to me. Pretty much everyone else had a vision or got words from the Holy Spirit or at least said something to Laura. Not me. I was still kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing. Then Christopher went. I said something nice and encouraging, but it was awkward because it wasn't truly from the Holy Spirit. During the rest of Christopher's prayer time, I pleaded with the Holy Spirit to allow ME to hear His voice. I asked him what I was doing wrong – why He didn't want to interact with me.
Before I knew it, Christopher's time was up. Then Michelle K said "Ed, why don't you go next?" I'm thinking to myself "Seriously? This is such a waste of time. The Holy Spirit doesn't want anything to do with me and certainly doesn't have anything to say to me". I sat down and everyone laid his or her hands on me. It was probably a solid minute before anyone said anything. It may have been the longest minute of my life. I was sitting there thinking all the things I was thinking were true. He doesn't have anything to say to me. I was consumed with doubt. Then people started saying things slowly by slowly. I finished up my time in a sort of fight with the Holy Spirit. A one-sided fight. Telling him that I needed some confirmation that he was there.
Then it happened. Erin was up next. I laid my hand on her shoulder as we started praying. Literally the second that I touched her, my fingers began tingling. At first I thought it was that my hand had fallen asleep or something. I took my hand off her arm and wiggled my fingers a bit – tingling was still there. I had this urge to say that my fingers were tingling so I said "Uh, Erin, my fingers are tingling and I'm not really sure why." The group kind of thought it was cool, asked Erin if it meant anything and she didn't really respond.
After Erin's prayer time, she said she knew why I had tingly fingers when I touched her. She told me that while she was praying for me, the Holy Spirit told her to say something and that she didn't say it. She said she thought that it was ridiculous. Then she said it. She told me "Somewhere, right now, there is a child on this Earth that belongs to you. You are already a dad.” Shocked is a bit of an understatement. I didn't really know how to respond other than thinking that might have been more than the little confirmation I was asking for.
Erin cleared up the fact that it could be a child that I was supposed to adopt and after all the joking stopped ;), I once again moved to the middle of the circle. Michelle prayed for me, prayed that I would find clarity in the words in the Holy Spirit. The group prayed for me a little more and began saying characteristics that would make me a good father. It was weird. I say that with all the love in the world but it was weird. I was still in a sort of shock during all of this.
I don't really know what else to say other than I am actively seeking the Holy Spirit for clarity, maybe even the same words again.
