You know, its taken a while to get to this point, but do you ever just sit in your mess and ponder: What’s really going on with me? What’s the real reason this is a big deal and why is this such a struggle? I have been asking myself this for quite sometime now, and I think an answer has finally emerged.
If there is one thing I hold onto the most it is Friendship. It is such a gift to have people whom love you and are there for you and care about you and want you in their life just as much as you want them there too. This gift however, is one that I hold onto tightly, too tightly. Because of that, I have this fear of loosing that gift, while at the same time I doubt how genuine they actually are, or if they’re even real or if they truly desire the same friendship I do. I never knew this was even an issue until 3 1/2 years ago, and it all started with a photo. Sitting in my personality Psych class I looked at a photo of my best friend and another individual with a caption that said “I can’t wait to see this guy this weekend.” That person knew we both were visiting. I know this seems selfish and childish but at that time, that one photo with that one caption unleashed what seemed like a disease in my heart. I started overthinking everything, and every interaction, started doubting, fearing loss, and letting all of those emotions and thoughts dictate my actions towards my friends and mental capacity.
for 3 1/2 years this was a on and off struggle. I did end up loosing that friendship because of my actions, and did not allow myself to get super close to other individuals especially one on one. But, I was given a second chance, let me tell ya, with this second chance came struggle, mainly doubt and fear. Doubt that God would even give me a second chance, doubt that it was really real. Fear that I would loose it again, fear it would be taken away. I would get anxious all over again because I had no idea how this friendship with these people and person would go, and how they would act around me, or what they thought of me. Enough was enough, it was exhausting and miserable. So I knew that only one being knew what was truly going on, who would in love tell me the truth, the condition of my heart, and what was deeply rooted in my heart that would cause me to think the way I do, feel the way I feel, and at times act the way I do.
So I sat with the Lord, and just poured out my heart and told him my lack of Joy, my issue, and I asked him to reveal what was going on. The answer did not come right away, and it took quite some time, but eventually listening for his voice either through others or his still small voice that speaks in my thoughts, an answer finally came:
Dylan, you’re afraid of loosing this friendship and you’re holding on tightly because you want something that’s really going to last and is personal. You’re doubting the realness of these friendships and authenticity of them because you don’t think you deserve it and that you’re not good enough. Dylan, the only sure thing that’s going to last how you are desiring is me, you know that and you need to be reminded of that. If I were to take it away, will I be enough?
There it was, the answer I have been looking for, and it was true. All of what God had said was a fact. I needed to be reminded of his lasting unfailing love, and that I needed to let go and stop holding onto this gift so tightly and trust the Lord. So that’s what I did and am still doing. It’s not easy and it is hard, but God and his truth has set me free and is healing me in time. I believe I need to sit with the Lord more and let him show me when I believed the I am not good enough lie, and when the desire for something real and lasting other than him first started.
I know, that there are many other out there struggling similarly and my encouragement to you is that you are not alone EVER. The Lord wants to be that lasting and personal thing you’re desiring. He knows you fully, everything you can depend on. that’s one reason why no one or nothing else can compare to him. It’s because of him I desire to spend my whole life sharing him and his Gospel as a missionary. Let him in.
“What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.” Philippians 3:8
“You can cast all of your anxieties on the Lord because he does care for you.” 1 Peter 5:8
