Let me take you back in time to September 2018. It was month 2 of the race and our squad was in Costa Rica. This month, was one of the most transformative months for me on the race thus far. However, I truly did not want to talk about it or share it with anyone, just because of the events that took place, and fear of what people would think about me. But, over time, I felt strongly, that this experience, this thing that is part of my story, needed to be shared for some strange reason, and to serve some sort of purpose that honestly, I don’t what it is. But (sigh) here we go, so buckle up ladies and gents, cause its not going to be smooth sailing.
It all started during month 2 debrief. We were staying at a really amazing Hostel and everyone was excited and still in the honeymoon stages of the race. New country, new ministry, new people. There was a lot of new in the air. But for me personally, there was a lot of new happening inside of me. I had been questioning my faith, battling apathy, and truth be told, feeling more like a slave than a free man. One night, I was sitting with one of our squad leaders in the common room, and we just got to talking. We talked about spiritual warfare, and standing firm, because this was a major theme for my team the previous month. The next thing I know, is that I asked her if she would do a walk of deliverance with me. She explained how she was just going to read some questions that were yes or no responses. If I said no to any of them we would talk about it. I am sitting on a green bean bag chair across the room from her, and I begin to sit cross legged with my hands open facing upward. I close my eyes and we start to pray. The second we start, It felt like someone was sitting right in front of me holding my hands. I could literally feel the pressure of hands in mine. My heart felt peace for the time being, and then the questions were being asked. I remeber her asking “do you believe Jesus loves you”? The words No shot straight out of my mouth. I was frightened in that moment, because I was not expecting that to happen. All of a sudden, she asked if there was a different spirit other than the Holy Spirit here. “Yes”, came flowing out of my mouth. At this point, I was terrified. My heart was anxious, and I was saddened and dissapointed at myself at these responses. My eyes were closed the entire time, and I was aware of what was happening, but at the same time, I knew something else was influencing me and my responses. “What is your name”? She asked. All of a sudden, this name comes out of my mouth, that I never even thought of.
My heart was beating fast and swelling with fear and anxiety. “What is your purpose for being here”? “Fear and anxiety”, were the words that came out of my mouth. I could feel the anxiety and fear squeezing at my heart, as my mind was settling. All the while, I could still feel the pressure of hands holding mine. “What portal are you here by doing this”? Was her next question. “Approval of people, acceptance, pornography, homosexuality, and manipulation”, all shot out of my mouth quicker than I could think it. During this interaction I had the realization that the things I struggled with, were outlets, that led for the enemy to inhabit and oppress me. As we continued in conversation, with my eyes closed, I remember confessing these things, asking for forgiveness, forgiving myself, and closing these portals. “Do you believe Jesus Loves you”? She asked again. This time tears filled my eyes and strolled down my face. I felt my heart burst open and what felt like light and overwhwleming peace flow into it. “Overwhelmingly yes” was my response. She then asked what was God telling me? And for the first time in a long while, my mind was so clear and still, that I heard His still small voice say to me: “my son I love you, the things you feared I would take away from you, I am not going to because I gave them to you and I desired you to have it. Believe me and those who tell you these things.” I felt lighter, actual freedom, at that moment, all I wanted to do, was share with someone what God just did. I know it was him whose hands were holding mine. This was something that honeslty I do not think I can ever forget.
Let us fast forward two weeks later. My team had a mentor who was spiritually sound, and shepherds so well. He looked at me and said “I want to lead you into more freedom in Christ. I have a group of people who want to do a freedom circle with you.” So on a Saturday, myself along with the squad leader, went to our mentor’s home. We went upstairs, and started with prayer. I began by telling them about one of the worst times of my life, and we went from there. My eyes were open this time and lots of questions were asked. We tallked about my suicide attempt from 3 years ago, and the things going through my head then. We talked about the manipulation I was apart of, we talked about the struggle against homosexuality and pornography, we talked about the wrongs that were done to me by others and the wrongs I had done. We talked about my family and the hurt that occured growing up without a father. We talked about my relatolionship with my mom, and generational curses. We even talked about the time I was raped at the age of 8 and the effects that had on me, and the lies it fed me.Truth be told, I never really talked to many people about that. My own family did not even know and still don’t. I never knew that one incident, would cause so much confusion and be part of the catalyst for some of the things I struggled with, and how I highly despised being around and with just guys. I confessed, repented, forgave others, and forgave my self. The amount of tears shed was just a step towards healing that on my own, I do not think I would have experienced. This lasted for 8 hours, and by the end, I was tired, but walking in freedom. I became confident and 100% certain about whose I was and who I was. I was crowned that day and nothing will ever change that, even if and when I fall short or fall.
You see, I did not want to tell anyone these things, especially because of fear about others, but also, because I did not know how to share it yet. As a child of God, you engage in spiritual warfare, and can be oppressed by the enemy. You can give the enemy a foothold by different things thus making it a portal in which the enemy can come through and trap you in. That’s what happened to me, and it does not change the truth that I belong to God and is his child. I truthfully do not know what point this serves, other than me being obedient to what I believe I was encouraged to do, which was share. But here is the experience I had, and what came from it.
Sincerely
Your free man,
Dyl
