The past couple of weeks have been challenging, as the Lord has shown me the things in my heart that were not of him. The big thing he has shown me was not to see anyone as unclean, or to call what he has made clean unclean (Acts 10), and God is right to do that. I have no right at all to see anyone as dirty, bad, or unclean because I am no different than anyone else. This word God gave me stems from the theme of love he has been showing me. His love, and how to love better.
Originally, I was going to have a four part series called bringing it to the light, but this will be the final part of that, because all of what needs to be said can be said here in this post. Yes, this will be long, but God and what he is doing is so big and great that I believe that any and everyone who reads this needs to encounter him and his love. In my previous post, I brought to the light my battle with homosexuality and some of the things I am seeing God show me through this. After that post, I had absolutely no idea how to talk about or approach the next things that I hold onto that need to come into the light. The first of those is my battle and struggle with pornography.
I was first exposed to this at 13 years of age and it started as a means of pleasure, and over time it turned into something I would turn to to numb inner turmoil. Then and now it turned into a means to relieve stress. What was so bad about it other than the act, was that I struggled with this addiction as I claimed Christ and how he redeems and transforms. I felt awful and ashamed. In reality, nobody around me knew, because I was good at hiding it, however, I knew and God knew even as I was seen by other people as a “spiritual leader.” There was a time when I stopped for about a year, and it was not until recently I picked it back up as a means to de-stress. But I am grateful that God loves enough to tell me hard truth. I cannot have him, and porn. For the past month I have been participating in a 30 day program to help overcome this. I learned during this program, that part of the reason I view this was not only because of stress, but because I felt that I could experience the love of a male figure that I never got from any type of father figure in my life.
The next of these things I hold onto is my need to prove my worth, and that I am good enough. I have always felt that I needed to prove myself to people, and when I became a follower of Jesus, I transferred that mindset to my relationship with him. I was that kid who always had to do the right thing and be the good kid who obeyed all the rules and did exactly what he was supposed to. I even did this in my relationship with the Lord and I was striving for perfection as a means to please God. These past two years and the way God has intervened in my life, proves that I don’t have to do any of that, because Jesus took care of all of that. I am not fully over this, as I more times than not feel the need to prove my worth, but I am a work in progress.
The final things I hold onto that need to come into the light is my need for attention and the fact that I doubt. Yes I am a follower of Jesus who doubts. Honestly my need for attention stems from neglect, loneliness, and abandonment issues. All of this got to a certain point where I lied to my closets friends just to have their attention and pity, and when things did not work out because I doubted that they cared or anyone cared, it led to a suicide attempt. As you can see, God intervened in that and with time healed me of that. Yes, at times I still do try to seek attention and seek sympathy.
NO, this post is not an attempt for attention, but an act of obedience to the Lord and what He is doing for His glory. It is because of these struggles I hold onto, that I have no right to call anyone unclean, because I did not save me, Jesus did. Jesus saved the entire world and it is because of him that I do not have shame in confessing these things, rather I have joy and freedom and rejoice in these weaknesses because of Jesus. Like many others, I put on an outer act that shows people I have it together when in reality I don’t. I also believe that many people think you need to have your stuff together as a follower of Christ, but in reality your stuff isn’t together and it won’t be if you continue to try and get it together on your own, and not letting the spirit do its work. Following Christ means trusting him with your WHOLE LIFE, including the dirty and messy. It means being real and transparent, giving the Holy Spirit room to work in your heart and through you. Do not think that you are too messed up to follow Jesus or for Jesus to love you, because it’s not true. If more followers of Jesus would be real and transparent, the rest of the world may see this truth. (Read John 3:19-21 the same passage God used to give me the word transparent for the year)
Again Jesus is right to tell us not to call anyone unclean, but he has given us the right to love (John 13:34-35) If God can love, encounter, and desire someone like me who struggles with porn and his sexuality, seeks attention and doubts, judges himself and others, and is a imperfect perfectionist, He can and will love you and desire you and transform you too. I know this to be true because I experience it, and this is why I am compelled to make him known to the ends of the earth, and to love him and others better. He really did save sinners like me and I desire people to know He saved them too. I ask not just for accountability but also prayer that I would accept myself and embrace my imperfections just as God does, and that I don’t stay this way or tolerate the sins in my life, just like Jesus who transforms and does not leave us or tolerate sin.
To God Be The Glory Amen
#forthesakeoflove
